Had kind of a mental blow out this weekend. Thanks to everyone who expressed thoughts and concerns for me here or in e-mails. I guess more people read my journal than I thought.
I hate my job. I was ready to walkout on Sunday morning. The only thing that kept me there was the fact that I need money to live. The first few hours I wanted to rip the place apart. Smash the computers break everything within reach. I did through some shit around. It was one of those moments where my blood felt like it was boiling.
Saturday was one of those nights where all of my problems just got right up in my face. No matter how hard I tried to calm myself down nothing was working. Basically I had a panic attack. Its been a long time since Id had one that bad.
I've had a tough time being around people sometimes, social anxiety, fear of crowds ect. One of the things that was really getting me down was my lack of human contact. Im tired of my reguler routine, of sitting around my apartment. I was upset that I missed Norbert_Sykes going away get together.
When I fall into one of these moods going home to an empty bed is hard. Im not talking about sex, dont get me wrong, sex is great Im sure we all know that. I miss the contact/warmth/intimacy of lying next to someone and holding them.
When I was in high school I was a whore. I slept with everything that moved. Now that Im older, Im so afraid of meeting new people and opening myself up that I isolate myself.
When I tell people this there usual advice is to just make yourself get out and meet people. Its good advice but sometimes the fear is stronger than the desire to change.
A year ago I never would have taken the initiative to go out and meet people from this site. The SG show in Detroit was tough, but I decided that I wasnt going to let the fear get the best of me. It helped that it was in a bar, liquid courage.
Lately the fear has been beating me down. Its kept me from going out and looking for a new job, and meeting people. As far as the job goes, I had it with where I am. Stick a fork in me Im done. Meeting/hanging out with people is always going to be tough but its better than sitting around alone.
Thanks for checking in on me.
Im alive and doing fine.
I hate my job. I was ready to walkout on Sunday morning. The only thing that kept me there was the fact that I need money to live. The first few hours I wanted to rip the place apart. Smash the computers break everything within reach. I did through some shit around. It was one of those moments where my blood felt like it was boiling.
Saturday was one of those nights where all of my problems just got right up in my face. No matter how hard I tried to calm myself down nothing was working. Basically I had a panic attack. Its been a long time since Id had one that bad.
I've had a tough time being around people sometimes, social anxiety, fear of crowds ect. One of the things that was really getting me down was my lack of human contact. Im tired of my reguler routine, of sitting around my apartment. I was upset that I missed Norbert_Sykes going away get together.
When I fall into one of these moods going home to an empty bed is hard. Im not talking about sex, dont get me wrong, sex is great Im sure we all know that. I miss the contact/warmth/intimacy of lying next to someone and holding them.
When I was in high school I was a whore. I slept with everything that moved. Now that Im older, Im so afraid of meeting new people and opening myself up that I isolate myself.
When I tell people this there usual advice is to just make yourself get out and meet people. Its good advice but sometimes the fear is stronger than the desire to change.
A year ago I never would have taken the initiative to go out and meet people from this site. The SG show in Detroit was tough, but I decided that I wasnt going to let the fear get the best of me. It helped that it was in a bar, liquid courage.
Lately the fear has been beating me down. Its kept me from going out and looking for a new job, and meeting people. As far as the job goes, I had it with where I am. Stick a fork in me Im done. Meeting/hanging out with people is always going to be tough but its better than sitting around alone.
Thanks for checking in on me.
Im alive and doing fine.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
shewulf:
I know how you feel...I think about quitting my job on a daily basis but I cant cause i have to many bills and i need money...So every day I look for another one that I would like and pays good....eventually i'll find another one....I hate my job so much...I have a fear of meeting new people...thats part of the reason why i havent met anyone from this site in person but i really want to get out and meet new people so bad...I havent had a panic attack in along time....well not along time its been a few months....my fiance left me alone and i had no clue where he was or when he was coming home.... thanks to my ex i'm a bit insecure....
feltonjoe:
social anxiety is so a toughy. had a big prob there as a youth- just remeber you give off a vibe with your emotion and attitude. the more social and out going you force your self to be the less of a hassle it becomes. never let a bad employer win and never quit until you have something else