hey guys,
just wanted to commit some thoughts to 'paper' as it were......
in the cold hard light of day, i think the split with the Missus is for the best, and admitting this is very painful, but ultimately true
i have been compartmentalizing some of the good and bad points about her in order to try and deal with the whole of the situation.....the list is something like this.....will start with the negative/bad points:
-we had little actual common ground in terms of what we liked to do WRT hobbies....i like to lift, do judo, get inked and am into motorcycles...she offered to try some of these things, but only as a peace making exercise, she always much more enthused about going out and doing the bar scene, something i am WAY over.....no issues with going out every now and again, but not really a big deal for me.....if i am gonna go out late...let's find a card game and play for some big bucks
-this may be shallow, but looks wise she was definitely not what i would normally go for....i normally go for heavier built girls with some ink/rocker/alt lasses....more my thing.....not smaller more conservative ladies...nothing wrong with that, but i know that i would likely have my head turned on more than one occasion.....and i have to say, that i have never been the strongest in that regard, i don't need anymore temptation than that
-the fact she lead me on and said she was gonna come to the UK, and then 3-4 days before she was supposed to come she calls me up and says she ain't coming......before Xmas of all times, a time that has always been tough for me for personal reasons.......a reason she knew about as well.....she said to my mother when she went to visit her that felt sorry about doing this, and that she wanted to make things work, but that she needed some space......a not unreasonable thing, but when i had an issue with it she had a one night stand.....that was some bullshit, she tried to gloss over it, but in the end i had to tell some people and she couldn't deal with the fact that some people knew that she was not the little princess and centre of everyone's attention that she liked to be
-there are some other things.....little things that she said and did that kinda seem in retrospect very petty......for instance, she unfriended me on FB, no great deal with that, but she then takes down all of the pics and untags all of the things that she posted that she had had up for a number of years....now that seems kinda petty to me, but maybe she is making a clean break and that is how she rolls????!!!!
some of the things that might have had some influence in her decision are that she is the youngest of 2, and she has had a damned hard time with type I bipolar disorder....now as someone who is involved in the provision of pharmaceutical care to patients with a wide variety of conditions, and i have seen the influence of this type of condition on people and how they act.....and she has always been her parent's special little girl, so maybe a combination of her illness and being spoiled contributed to this........also, she was crushed in one relationship she had whilst in college, and she mentioned in passing how this has affected her....but in all honesty, i don't know how true this might be
another contributory factor was the long distance aspect of the relationship....but going in she knew this would be hard in that regard, but we talked regularly etc and we had planned regular visits one of which i am going on in a few weeks....she was one aspect of the visit, the other being a job interview of sorts and catching up with old buddies and my family i dunno....she was all about coming over and mentioned that she wanted to come and live with me for the remainder of my contract.....
the other thing is that as she lost weight, she was a heavy girl for her height, she was getting more and more attention when she went to the bars, and she more than likely had her head turned...she was not able to deal with being a couple and was likely unfaithful before the incident she told me about......
the good things:
-she forced me to re-evaluate some of who i am as a person......i am now in therapy, and have talked out some of it and i am working on trust and communication issues that have existed since forever....and that is a good thing!!! i am building back some relationships that had slowly been decaying for a while
-the other thing is i now understand why i drank so hard and so heavy for so long, and now i understand that was because i feared being alone and was not happy with who i was, i just didn't want to think or feel.....as that is the case, i am now thinking of breaking my sobriety...not getting fucking hammered, more a case of having a whiskey when i want to kind of thing....i guess the fear of being alone was a contributory factor towards us getting together...i have moved all over the world in the last decade, and have lacked any degree of support network and undergone a few traumatic events in that time.....i guess the old need to satisfy a college urge that i never got out of my system meant that as soon she showed any interest i fell WAY TOO HARD AND WAY TOO FAST.....and liked the feeling of having someone totally devoted to me, or so it seemed
-no more bad sex :-)
-i can get a lady who is a better fit for me
-i know what i want from a relationship...strange as this may sound, it seems as though i have put together a shopping list of requirements and i am not gonna deviate from that!
all in all......i am looking forwards to getting qualified, moving home, getting more ink, and becoming the best person i can be.....and maybe find a lass who is gonna be worthy of my time
sorry for the somewhat incoherent ramble
needed to get that off of my chest
later
PL82
just wanted to commit some thoughts to 'paper' as it were......
in the cold hard light of day, i think the split with the Missus is for the best, and admitting this is very painful, but ultimately true
i have been compartmentalizing some of the good and bad points about her in order to try and deal with the whole of the situation.....the list is something like this.....will start with the negative/bad points:
-we had little actual common ground in terms of what we liked to do WRT hobbies....i like to lift, do judo, get inked and am into motorcycles...she offered to try some of these things, but only as a peace making exercise, she always much more enthused about going out and doing the bar scene, something i am WAY over.....no issues with going out every now and again, but not really a big deal for me.....if i am gonna go out late...let's find a card game and play for some big bucks
-this may be shallow, but looks wise she was definitely not what i would normally go for....i normally go for heavier built girls with some ink/rocker/alt lasses....more my thing.....not smaller more conservative ladies...nothing wrong with that, but i know that i would likely have my head turned on more than one occasion.....and i have to say, that i have never been the strongest in that regard, i don't need anymore temptation than that
-the fact she lead me on and said she was gonna come to the UK, and then 3-4 days before she was supposed to come she calls me up and says she ain't coming......before Xmas of all times, a time that has always been tough for me for personal reasons.......a reason she knew about as well.....she said to my mother when she went to visit her that felt sorry about doing this, and that she wanted to make things work, but that she needed some space......a not unreasonable thing, but when i had an issue with it she had a one night stand.....that was some bullshit, she tried to gloss over it, but in the end i had to tell some people and she couldn't deal with the fact that some people knew that she was not the little princess and centre of everyone's attention that she liked to be
-there are some other things.....little things that she said and did that kinda seem in retrospect very petty......for instance, she unfriended me on FB, no great deal with that, but she then takes down all of the pics and untags all of the things that she posted that she had had up for a number of years....now that seems kinda petty to me, but maybe she is making a clean break and that is how she rolls????!!!!
some of the things that might have had some influence in her decision are that she is the youngest of 2, and she has had a damned hard time with type I bipolar disorder....now as someone who is involved in the provision of pharmaceutical care to patients with a wide variety of conditions, and i have seen the influence of this type of condition on people and how they act.....and she has always been her parent's special little girl, so maybe a combination of her illness and being spoiled contributed to this........also, she was crushed in one relationship she had whilst in college, and she mentioned in passing how this has affected her....but in all honesty, i don't know how true this might be
another contributory factor was the long distance aspect of the relationship....but going in she knew this would be hard in that regard, but we talked regularly etc and we had planned regular visits one of which i am going on in a few weeks....she was one aspect of the visit, the other being a job interview of sorts and catching up with old buddies and my family
i dunno....she was all about coming over and mentioned that she wanted to come and live with me for the remainder of my contract.....
the other thing is that as she lost weight, she was a heavy girl for her height, she was getting more and more attention when she went to the bars, and she more than likely had her head turned...she was not able to deal with being a couple and was likely unfaithful before the incident she told me about......
the good things:
-she forced me to re-evaluate some of who i am as a person......i am now in therapy, and have talked out some of it and i am working on trust and communication issues that have existed since forever....and that is a good thing!!! i am building back some relationships that had slowly been decaying for a while
-the other thing is i now understand why i drank so hard and so heavy for so long, and now i understand that was because i feared being alone and was not happy with who i was, i just didn't want to think or feel.....as that is the case, i am now thinking of breaking my sobriety...not getting fucking hammered, more a case of having a whiskey when i want to kind of thing....i guess the fear of being alone was a contributory factor towards us getting together...i have moved all over the world in the last decade, and have lacked any degree of support network and undergone a few traumatic events in that time.....i guess the old need to satisfy a college urge that i never got out of my system meant that as soon she showed any interest i fell WAY TOO HARD AND WAY TOO FAST.....and liked the feeling of having someone totally devoted to me, or so it seemed
-no more bad sex :-)
-i can get a lady who is a better fit for me
-i know what i want from a relationship...strange as this may sound, it seems as though i have put together a shopping list of requirements and i am not gonna deviate from that!
all in all......i am looking forwards to getting qualified, moving home, getting more ink, and becoming the best person i can be.....and maybe find a lass who is gonna be worthy of my time
sorry for the somewhat incoherent ramble
needed to get that off of my chest
later
PL82