I have an interesting life. I do not say this because I think I have an interesting life while others do not. We all do. I say it because I am always surprised that it is, in the ways that it is. Lately, as should be evident to anyone who has read more than one of my posts here, I am meditating quite a bit on the subject of Lovers, as well as Love in general and its place in the Holy Quadrinity of Truth, Beauty, Freedom and Love. If the word 'Lover' is an expansion of 'Love', then it seems to be that it should sit rather well alongside the other three.
The True, the Beautiful, the Free, the Lovers. The first three equal the fourth.
At this moment, there are 4 women in my life, my 'now', that I am lucky enough to have the possibility of becoming a Lover to. This changes daily, but usually the number drops to approximately zero, and four is very rare indeed. And it is that rarity that has gotten me to writing today.
I am an outspoken defender of ethical Sluttery. Not an opponent of monogamy, mind you, I simply believe that Sluttery is just as viable a way of building strong relationships as is its opposite. And I do walk the walk, though not without stubbed toes, scraped knees and twisted ankles, I admit.
One of the basic tenets of Sluttery is that one person simply cannot be all things to another person. It is unfair and unrealistic to expect that (in my belief). We have friends that we go to for advice, those we go to for a laugh, those who create plates of food that the gods would be honored to partake of and others whose kitchen we wouldn't step into on a double-dog dare. An old Teacher put it this way: All of the people in our life fall into categories. There are those we Work well with, those we Play well with and those with whom we Live well. It is uncommon that a single person would be two of those things to us. And whether we want to think it or not, to have all 3 is extremely rare. That magically compatible person can be found, even more than once in a lifetime, but how many amazing folks who bond with us in only two of those ways do we miss by searching for the Holy Grail of Love?
Here is another kind of example.
Two years ago, I was very much hip-deep in actually opposing monogamy. I was living experience after delicious experience while somehow managing to not sleep around too much (quite a trick, really). One of my rules was that I would never help anyone 'cheat' on someone else. 'Never' is an absolute. Absolutes never work out the way we intend. Just look at God. Anyway, I met a woman, Sarah, who, at the time, identified herself as gay with a partner of 6 years. Something, of course, happened between us. Connections were made, we started walking a lot, talking even more. Finally, and it DID take a while, we ended up in each others arms. I broke my rule. I also had fantastic, powerful, transcendent and loving sex. She taught me Whole Body sex. She helped me experience orgasm the way women do [note: Oh my god!]. The price I paid was guilt, something I thought I'd left behind.
The very next Lover I would have would be Keridwynn, a magnificent woman that I had known for years but never really been close to. We fell into bed together three weeks after she had a major hysterectomy. To be graphic, and in her own words, at the time she was "literally sewn shut." I was blessed to be her first Lover since the surgery and I say, with no doubt, that if it weren't for Sarah directly before her and the things she showed me, it would most likely not have happened. It certainly would not have been the glorious series of nights that it was. And had Keridwynn and I not started falling in love, against both of our better judgements, of course, I would not have been able to remember the beauty that just two people facing the world together can be. Therefore, when Helen and I would meet next, I would not have been ready and willing to try monogamy again.
And so on.
What is my point? I am asking that of myself as much as you may be. I'm not sure. I know I started typing tonight after a long, draining day of performance behind me, because I was thinking about the four women who, whether or not we get more intimate or not, feel already like Lovers to me. I was thinking about their differences, about the hopes that we may have in developing relationships and how they vary from person to person. Of course, I was also thinking about sex as it looms on the horizon after a 9 month hiatus. I am not a monk, though I often wonder if my road will take me there someday. But 'sex' is not concrete as a singular reality. Neither is 'romance'. Even right now, this very second, visions of each of these four women take me to very different places. One I dream of kissing. One I want to sweat with. Another I think of laughing out loud with while we make love and from another I crave nails, teeth and weight.
And I have no doubt that these women want different things from each of their Lovers.
We are all pieces in each other's lives. The more pieces, the more complicated the machine, the more easily it can break and the more erratic it can behave. But, oh how many amazing things we might discover it can do!
Finally, Ashley and I have a date Tuesday. And no matter what I said already, if forced to choose, I would joyfully give up any and all of the other romantic possibilities above for just one kiss with her. A good kiss, of course. The kind of kiss that stops time, blocks out the noise of the world, fills your lungs and belly and makes you drunk and dreaming while fully awake.
So, I'm a hypocrite. Sue me.
Love you all (and more)
-j
The True, the Beautiful, the Free, the Lovers. The first three equal the fourth.
At this moment, there are 4 women in my life, my 'now', that I am lucky enough to have the possibility of becoming a Lover to. This changes daily, but usually the number drops to approximately zero, and four is very rare indeed. And it is that rarity that has gotten me to writing today.
I am an outspoken defender of ethical Sluttery. Not an opponent of monogamy, mind you, I simply believe that Sluttery is just as viable a way of building strong relationships as is its opposite. And I do walk the walk, though not without stubbed toes, scraped knees and twisted ankles, I admit.
One of the basic tenets of Sluttery is that one person simply cannot be all things to another person. It is unfair and unrealistic to expect that (in my belief). We have friends that we go to for advice, those we go to for a laugh, those who create plates of food that the gods would be honored to partake of and others whose kitchen we wouldn't step into on a double-dog dare. An old Teacher put it this way: All of the people in our life fall into categories. There are those we Work well with, those we Play well with and those with whom we Live well. It is uncommon that a single person would be two of those things to us. And whether we want to think it or not, to have all 3 is extremely rare. That magically compatible person can be found, even more than once in a lifetime, but how many amazing folks who bond with us in only two of those ways do we miss by searching for the Holy Grail of Love?
Here is another kind of example.
Two years ago, I was very much hip-deep in actually opposing monogamy. I was living experience after delicious experience while somehow managing to not sleep around too much (quite a trick, really). One of my rules was that I would never help anyone 'cheat' on someone else. 'Never' is an absolute. Absolutes never work out the way we intend. Just look at God. Anyway, I met a woman, Sarah, who, at the time, identified herself as gay with a partner of 6 years. Something, of course, happened between us. Connections were made, we started walking a lot, talking even more. Finally, and it DID take a while, we ended up in each others arms. I broke my rule. I also had fantastic, powerful, transcendent and loving sex. She taught me Whole Body sex. She helped me experience orgasm the way women do [note: Oh my god!]. The price I paid was guilt, something I thought I'd left behind.
The very next Lover I would have would be Keridwynn, a magnificent woman that I had known for years but never really been close to. We fell into bed together three weeks after she had a major hysterectomy. To be graphic, and in her own words, at the time she was "literally sewn shut." I was blessed to be her first Lover since the surgery and I say, with no doubt, that if it weren't for Sarah directly before her and the things she showed me, it would most likely not have happened. It certainly would not have been the glorious series of nights that it was. And had Keridwynn and I not started falling in love, against both of our better judgements, of course, I would not have been able to remember the beauty that just two people facing the world together can be. Therefore, when Helen and I would meet next, I would not have been ready and willing to try monogamy again.
And so on.
What is my point? I am asking that of myself as much as you may be. I'm not sure. I know I started typing tonight after a long, draining day of performance behind me, because I was thinking about the four women who, whether or not we get more intimate or not, feel already like Lovers to me. I was thinking about their differences, about the hopes that we may have in developing relationships and how they vary from person to person. Of course, I was also thinking about sex as it looms on the horizon after a 9 month hiatus. I am not a monk, though I often wonder if my road will take me there someday. But 'sex' is not concrete as a singular reality. Neither is 'romance'. Even right now, this very second, visions of each of these four women take me to very different places. One I dream of kissing. One I want to sweat with. Another I think of laughing out loud with while we make love and from another I crave nails, teeth and weight.
And I have no doubt that these women want different things from each of their Lovers.
We are all pieces in each other's lives. The more pieces, the more complicated the machine, the more easily it can break and the more erratic it can behave. But, oh how many amazing things we might discover it can do!
Finally, Ashley and I have a date Tuesday. And no matter what I said already, if forced to choose, I would joyfully give up any and all of the other romantic possibilities above for just one kiss with her. A good kiss, of course. The kind of kiss that stops time, blocks out the noise of the world, fills your lungs and belly and makes you drunk and dreaming while fully awake.
So, I'm a hypocrite. Sue me.
Love you all (and more)
-j
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
its nice to be home...there really is nothing like it...though i've never felt such a wrench leaving a place as i did leaving the USA...which is bizarre since im patriotic at heart and i love everything about england
And yeah... The MoM (Ahem) are a kick. One of my online aquaintances manufactured their chainmail banner they carry around now. He likes their music maybe just a little too much.