I get my meds through the VA (Veterans Affairs - a U.S. government organization that takes care of military veterans), but every now and then, they kind of forget to refill them on time. Right now is one of those times. I'm fucking miserable. It's not just the depression, but the anger. Well, not anger so much as absolute fucking rage. I'm doing my best to contain it, but work isn't making that easy.
To elaborate a little, my major life complications are depression and rage. Before I started taking anti-depressants, I was pretty good about keeping both in check. Once I got proper care, I guess I didn't have to work so hard to control my feelings, which is great, as long as I continue getting that proper care. But of course when I don't get that care, it's a major step backwards. The anti-depressants are great for taking that edge off, but without them, the edge becomes a major obstacle. That's where I am right now. It's taking a lot of effort not to just explode. At work, that means not murdering customers or certain co-workers. At home, that means speaking calmly to my cat and dog when they do things they shouldn't. Don't worry, I could never harm my girls -- they're the only constant anti-depressants I have.
Aside from the rage and the self-hate, when I'm off my meds, certain other emotions also come on much too strongly. I mean, I barely logged in here and was suddenly hit with this feeling of "I HAVE to come inside a woman!!!" I'm not generally a sexually-motivated person, but this urge was powerful. Honestly, I really don't even enjoy sex. Also a part of the depression. Or maybe I haven't found the right partner yet... I don't know.
What prompted me to actually write here was browsing a support group on Facebook, for people with medical conditions involving Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA). Oh yeah, I guess that's another important point to make. I have one of those SCA conditions. I've "died" about half a dozen times. That doesn't help the depression, anxiety, or rage. Anyway, browsing those posts of "what do I do after I get defibrillated?" and "what does it feel like to get a shock?" I was just overcome with emotion. Not just any one emotion, but more like... all of it... all of the emotions. I'm not sure if it's better or worse to be alone when that happens, but I'm definitely alone right now, so I'm working with what I've got.
Not any real point to this post, aside from trying to put some of my thoughts in order.
