3 August 2002 - night time
Listening to: Brian talking to the kitties
Ryan is here. He is someone so important to me, and he has been for so many years that it makes me shiver to think he's within driving distance and I haven't seen him yet. Tomorrow though. He's weary and sleeping from driving for nearly 25 hours from Kansas, and I drank too much wine tonight. He'll be here for a week on a mini tour with his band. Can't wait to hear about how it goes, although I know the story already. A band descends upon on Los Angeles, excited about creatively expressing themselves to little dives full of little people. They'll go home disappointed, most likely. That's just Los Angeles for you. Anyway, Tuesday is ours. I can't imagine what we'll do with the time. It doesn't matter to me anyway. All I want is for Brian to meet him, and for him to meet Brian ... and to see him again.
We looked for places to move into today. Had it out on a filthy street corner near Gower and Sunset while equally filthy transvestite junkies walked obliviously by, searching the grime-ridden sidewalk for cigarette butts to re-light. Fucking Hollywood. I despise it with every cell of my being. I told him I was like a lion in a cage. If I don't get out, I'll kill someone. I sat there fuming and biting back tears while my eyes searched a mural that depicted Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, sleeping on the sidewalk, her suitcase was her pillow and her basket was being infested by rats, while visions of razor wire, and HIV, and heroin needles, and other ugly things danced in her head. That's Hollywood, fuckers. No house/apartment yet. Looking in Long Beach tomorrow. The prospect of that alone is beyond words. It gives me hope.
Heavy day today. Sifting through ashes, boxes, old papers, old clothes, letters, photographs...setting unwanted things out on the lawn - free for those who needed them or wanted to take them. No yard sales, no bartering, just trying to clear the clutter and empty space that was being taken up by things that are dusty and unwanted.
"God, my hair was so long!"
"Oh my God, I was so thin. I was hot! Look at me!"
"Want to see something interesting?" ...and then I would show Brian a picture of Pati and I wearing slips and fishnets sitting on the floor, kissing with open mouths.
Oh, and here are the baby pictures. "See how blonde I was?"
And then my fingertips touched the box that blew the house of cards down as if it were happening in slow motion. I thought I would collapse under the weight of it all. Trying to control what was spinning in my mind. And there was Brian. My rock. My life. There for me to tell me that it was okay.
I am so deeply in love that I cannot speak about it at times. And yet there are ghosts that come around to visit on occasion, even when uninvited. Making their presence known. Forcing their way in and not allowing me to cover my eyes. Forcing me to see who I am. The person that they've made me into. I love them and I fear them and I loathe them yet embrace them. Brian allows them time with me, but only for so long that I can remember and then put them away again. And it's okay.
I will never love someone this deeply again. Never againwith this much warmth and honesty. Never again with this much loyalty and strength. I've never been so healthy. I never knew I could be.
xoxo,
- lp
Listening to: Brian talking to the kitties
Ryan is here. He is someone so important to me, and he has been for so many years that it makes me shiver to think he's within driving distance and I haven't seen him yet. Tomorrow though. He's weary and sleeping from driving for nearly 25 hours from Kansas, and I drank too much wine tonight. He'll be here for a week on a mini tour with his band. Can't wait to hear about how it goes, although I know the story already. A band descends upon on Los Angeles, excited about creatively expressing themselves to little dives full of little people. They'll go home disappointed, most likely. That's just Los Angeles for you. Anyway, Tuesday is ours. I can't imagine what we'll do with the time. It doesn't matter to me anyway. All I want is for Brian to meet him, and for him to meet Brian ... and to see him again.
We looked for places to move into today. Had it out on a filthy street corner near Gower and Sunset while equally filthy transvestite junkies walked obliviously by, searching the grime-ridden sidewalk for cigarette butts to re-light. Fucking Hollywood. I despise it with every cell of my being. I told him I was like a lion in a cage. If I don't get out, I'll kill someone. I sat there fuming and biting back tears while my eyes searched a mural that depicted Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, sleeping on the sidewalk, her suitcase was her pillow and her basket was being infested by rats, while visions of razor wire, and HIV, and heroin needles, and other ugly things danced in her head. That's Hollywood, fuckers. No house/apartment yet. Looking in Long Beach tomorrow. The prospect of that alone is beyond words. It gives me hope.
Heavy day today. Sifting through ashes, boxes, old papers, old clothes, letters, photographs...setting unwanted things out on the lawn - free for those who needed them or wanted to take them. No yard sales, no bartering, just trying to clear the clutter and empty space that was being taken up by things that are dusty and unwanted.
"God, my hair was so long!"
"Oh my God, I was so thin. I was hot! Look at me!"
"Want to see something interesting?" ...and then I would show Brian a picture of Pati and I wearing slips and fishnets sitting on the floor, kissing with open mouths.
Oh, and here are the baby pictures. "See how blonde I was?"
And then my fingertips touched the box that blew the house of cards down as if it were happening in slow motion. I thought I would collapse under the weight of it all. Trying to control what was spinning in my mind. And there was Brian. My rock. My life. There for me to tell me that it was okay.
I am so deeply in love that I cannot speak about it at times. And yet there are ghosts that come around to visit on occasion, even when uninvited. Making their presence known. Forcing their way in and not allowing me to cover my eyes. Forcing me to see who I am. The person that they've made me into. I love them and I fear them and I loathe them yet embrace them. Brian allows them time with me, but only for so long that I can remember and then put them away again. And it's okay.
I will never love someone this deeply again. Never againwith this much warmth and honesty. Never again with this much loyalty and strength. I've never been so healthy. I never knew I could be.
xoxo,
- lp
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*smooches*