lamore

I hate feeling like this. Feeling like I'm undesirable and worthless. I think I broke his heart and that hurts me too but it was best for everyone if it were to end, we weren't good for each other and just ended up causing each other pain. But yet here he is already being pursued by some other 19 year old bimbo and I have no one yapping at my heels. Shallow right? But I'm vulnerable, I need reassurance. I have to work so hard just to tread water, to not get sucked under by the current, and he gets everything just thrown at his feet, and yet he cant be thankful. I'm 19 and yet to accomplish anything I thought I would of by now. I'm in the same place I was a year ago, except with slightly more hermit-like qualities and higher anxiety. I just want people to want me, to know that I am still a desirable human being, that I'm not totally repulsive to people. And he has that already without even trying, without even wanting it. And it hurts me, it shouldn't, but it still does. I should feel completely ambiguous towards him but I dont. I havnt cried since I left him which I find odd, but I cant sleep at night. I cut all my hair off and dyed it blond which just resulted in me looking like a moron and feeling less desirable then before. I'm falling apart it seems. I have to see someone who can help. I know the motivators behind all my emotional reactions I just need a way to make it stop. To be somewhat normal so that I can stop feeling like I'm about to drown. I'm constantly picking apart every conversation I have looking for the hidden negative meanings. I couldnt even get my tattoo finished because the sudden panic attack swept through me again. I was so thankful of everything on thursday, maybe because I thought I actually had a chance of getting what I wanted, but now it seems that I am compleatly without gender to some people. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.