laine666

*sigh*
so here is the trouble. i feel crazy. very very very crazy. like freak out, melt down, lay down and sob for hours crazy.
however, i have become so tightly compressed in the past year or so, so totally sure that no one gives a bloody shit about any of my troubles, that all of what i feel is sort of crammed down into this tiny little space that feels perilously close to exploding open.
so to completely fuck things up and make them more complicated, i have begun to drink more and try to stay away from people. i hate being nuts.
because i am.
nuts that is.
i want things, then i dont want them. i like people then i cant stand being around them. i cant be nice to strangers, even though thats my job.
i cant meet new people, dont want to.
but i do want to, otherwise it wouldn't be a problem
i just want to cry. this time of year really does it to me. i sleep lots and get really super depressed.
i am lonely. in the rawest meaning of the word.
i feel alone 100% of the time. even when he is with me, i still feel like a thing apart from myself. like i am watching the interaction between us. i want to tell him how fucked up i am and i want him to still want me.
he won't
as if i knew that he does now
i want to cry and cry and cry
i am scared.
terrified.
what will happen to me?
where will i go?
what now?!
crap.