Keeping my vent, but I don't want that negative energy around me.
I think the problem is that I am in denial.
I keep thinking I am just coping and that I am just able to actually be okay with my mom being really sick and even dying. But I bet that is really denial.
So, they plan on giving her chemo over the summer, and then the cancer will go into remission. But it won't go away, it will be in remission. And it is in her stomach - so to me that means that we will have to deal with this again quickly. Note I am basing this off of nothing except my own brain.
We haven't met with the doctor yet and the her appt for creating a remission plan just got pushed back.
I am angry, I am frustrated. I am cranky.
I have everyone I don't know.
I keep trying to find someone, something to blame - my old company for laying off right before this started, the asshole who is going so slow in front of me, the recruiter that is wasting my time, the fucking internet connection for going in and out (although thank you MisterSatan for helping me to fix it), my friends and family for calling (just because I feel so stressed, I am fine after talking to them), and even my mom.
I guess the problem is who can you possibly blame for something like this? No one. So who the hell can you get mad and angry at? No one in particular. You feel bad for getting mad at the person, or god, or the doctors or anything like that.
anti_duff let me spout off and say the things that you are always afraid to say, but you know everyone must think.
I am just so fucking angry. Which I think means I am scared. I am so mad at my mom for putting me through this. Put I am not really mad at her, I guess I am just scared and I hate that this is happening, and I never thought that this would happen to me.
I have always partially hated life (please note this does not mean I am suicidal), but to me it has always felt difficult emotionally and this just makes me hate it more. I knew eventually I would have to live on without her, but actually I always prayed that we would die together on one of our many trips preferably by plane crash. Quick, easy and together. see I don't know if normal people think about things like that.
I am scared that because I am so exhausted I am pushing my friends away and now that I see her mortality (which I have always been aware of and already fearing), that I will be totally alone, with family that is over 3 hours away, no siblings, etc.
I am sure they understand, but I am now scared about that. My mom has an ungodly amount of friends. More than the normal person. They are all calling me and such, which is also tiring.
I don't want to be angry anymore, but i don't know how to let it go.
I think the problem is that I am in denial.
I keep thinking I am just coping and that I am just able to actually be okay with my mom being really sick and even dying. But I bet that is really denial.
So, they plan on giving her chemo over the summer, and then the cancer will go into remission. But it won't go away, it will be in remission. And it is in her stomach - so to me that means that we will have to deal with this again quickly. Note I am basing this off of nothing except my own brain.
We haven't met with the doctor yet and the her appt for creating a remission plan just got pushed back.
I am angry, I am frustrated. I am cranky.
I have everyone I don't know.
I keep trying to find someone, something to blame - my old company for laying off right before this started, the asshole who is going so slow in front of me, the recruiter that is wasting my time, the fucking internet connection for going in and out (although thank you MisterSatan for helping me to fix it), my friends and family for calling (just because I feel so stressed, I am fine after talking to them), and even my mom.
I guess the problem is who can you possibly blame for something like this? No one. So who the hell can you get mad and angry at? No one in particular. You feel bad for getting mad at the person, or god, or the doctors or anything like that.
anti_duff let me spout off and say the things that you are always afraid to say, but you know everyone must think.
I am just so fucking angry. Which I think means I am scared. I am so mad at my mom for putting me through this. Put I am not really mad at her, I guess I am just scared and I hate that this is happening, and I never thought that this would happen to me.
I have always partially hated life (please note this does not mean I am suicidal), but to me it has always felt difficult emotionally and this just makes me hate it more. I knew eventually I would have to live on without her, but actually I always prayed that we would die together on one of our many trips preferably by plane crash. Quick, easy and together. see I don't know if normal people think about things like that.
I am scared that because I am so exhausted I am pushing my friends away and now that I see her mortality (which I have always been aware of and already fearing), that I will be totally alone, with family that is over 3 hours away, no siblings, etc.
I am sure they understand, but I am now scared about that. My mom has an ungodly amount of friends. More than the normal person. They are all calling me and such, which is also tiring.
I don't want to be angry anymore, but i don't know how to let it go.
niobe:
I agree completely with what you said! Thank you so much for taking the time to leave your thoughts for me! Means a lot! Thank you!