kyshak

T-minus 2 days till total meltdown...man i hope i can whether the anniversary storm...I had so many good things planned...i was going to make up for all on that day...our first one wasnt that great...it was a total failure to be honest...we went to charleston to see my dad and to tell him that we were married...but i just coudlnt do it...i just couldnt tell this man that i was married to the most fantastic woman in the world...why am i so afraid of this guy...i still havent told him, probably more or less that it is a moot point now...i fear she is so lost me me that i we can never return to what we once we...NO STOP IT DAMMIT...now this is the shit that gets you in your bad place....where you want to dance with the razor....to feel something other than the pain that is in your soul...I cant let myself drop again....beisdes didnt you say that even if we both fought and won our inner demons that we could never return to the old life...we would have to start fresh...new...better...if we were to start again then the slow downward spiral would being and i dont think either of us would survive that...damn you demons back i say...i have the power of greyskull dammit and i can be a new man....I can make this happen...i just have to believe in myself...I cannot be the old me becuse that me was a jailor to the man that once was...a man that had fresh new eyes and loved life and wanted to be somebody...I can become the man i should have been all those many years ago...I can break my selfimpossed chains of opression and rise like the phoneix new and bold and with the fire raging and the passion to make the life that i so despretly crave...i have grown weak in mind and body and I WILL CHANGE!!! i have lived to long under my own fears of failure and fear of regret...of things i have done in the past that i cant change...I cant change them...i can only become a man that realizes when he is about to fail...to slump into the comfort of not doing anything of total nothingness and rise above it...

I still love her with every fiber in my being but even if she did want me back if she doesnt change as well...we would just not work again...the fight with my inner demons has been a long and harsh battle...but i feel the tide is finally turning in my favor...i will win...fuck i feel so good i want to puch tony robbins in his big fat teeth... I love you mel and i wish you all the strength to fight your own demons...i know you have it just use it...you are one of the strongest people i know...and if i can come back form the brink of desolation then you can too...just fight girl FIGHT!!! With all your heart you can become what i know to be true in your heart...you CAN write the next great novel...you can do whatever you want mel...if i have learned anything it that you have an unbreakable will...an unstopable spirt...all you need to do is throw the first punch at stopping the demons! you have the strength i know you do.