krys_____

Thanks everyone for the kind thoughts. I'm a little better today...more and more shit has happened since the last time, it never fucking stops.... but I have made the decision that it is for the best that I don't have a relationship with Kim at this time... regardless if she decides to have a relationship with Trevor or not (Events from this weekend may prevent that, I don't know, she hasn't talked to us for days now... and I am worried about her regardless of what my decision is ) I just think that I need to heal, and these mixed messages she keeps giving me are not healthy for me to keep being exposed to. One day she seems like she wants me and wants to be with me, and later I realize how worthless I am in her estimation, and I cannot take that kind of back and forth head games anymore. I need to get over it all, and her vacilating does nothing to help me do that.

In other news, I am going to Delaware soon to see a friend. This may be fun, there was a brief mention of going to the ocean, I would like that. I need to be away from everything.

I had a good opening last weekend. That was nice, at least my career is going well, even if the love life is beating me up emotionally...

And today I had some blood tests done...finally. They are seeing if my weight is due to some chemical imbalances, thighroid (Sp?) and whatnot, or if it's just my inability to exert my willpowere ... I am hoping it is some sort of problem, because, if not, my metabolism is just comlpetely whacked out, I don't eat much at all, even if I have lost 55 pounds now due to dietary changes, I didn't just decide to be fat for the hell of it, I always have been, even at my healthiest point... so, in a week I will know what the hell is wrong with me, if anything, and then I will have to go in for a few more blood tests to check on a few other things I forgot about... fun fun fun. Needles don't bother me, results bother me. Today, when I had the blood taken, they took 5 vials of it. When I stood up, I got dizzy and went down like a ton of bricks. My knees hurt from hitting the floor. I was suppose to have gone with Trevor, but he got called away to help a friend of ours move, and I thought it wouldn't be a big deal, even though I would have liked to have him there with me for just this reason. What can I say? I fasted for 14 hours and then they took a lot of blood. It went straight to my head. (He already feels guilty about not taking me, so when I told him I fell that made him feel worse. Oh well, it happened... what can I do?)

On that note, I should eat something... it's been a while. (16 1/2 hours now.) everyone, have a good day. I'm trying this "one day at a time" shit. Wish me luck with it.