kozmikgirl

I am having a weird time right now. Lots of things on my mind. My son mentioned the other day that he wants to see his dad. I think it has been at least 4 years since they have seen each other. Maybe longer, like 6 years. Alot of the problem back then was his girlfriend at the time. I didn't want my son around her or her brother, who was always around. Remember her brother? The one I blogged about awhile ago? The one that kidnapped & raped that 14 year old last year? There is a reason people should listen to their intuition & my intuition, as a mother, was that my son should not be around either of those two. I was right & that gut feeling is there for a reason. I stand by that.

Anyway, his dad works at the local bar/restaurant & my son found out that he works there & said that he just wants to pop in & say hi to him. I want them to be close again. I want it to all just be ok. But, I don't want another day where my boy comes home crying from an asshole father's selfish actions. But, people change. At least sometimes they do.

And me & him have some history that we will probably have to address at some point. I figure if they get some kind of relationship again that he & I will probably have to face that at some point. I have some things to apologise for & I hope he feels bad for some of the shit he put me through too, but that isn't something I have any control over. I will just have to apologise for my actions & not expect anything from it but relieve for myself.

And all of this has got me thinking way too much about the me from back then. Do I really have to feel bad all over again like this? And I am scared I will become that stupid little girl again if he comes back into my life. That seeing him will constantly remind me of the me that was so stupid & immature & confused & scared & because of all that, hurtful to others. I am humiliated by some of the things I did back then, when he was in my life. I am tortured by some of the stuff I did to him. But, I am not her anymore. I don't want this to change who I am now. I like who I am now. I hate that girl. That stupid, stupid girl. I am not her. But, what if she is lurking inside somewhere & he brings her back out? I am sick with worry about this. Or what if he just sees her regardless of who I really am now? It makes me sick in the stomach.

But, first I will just focus on my son & him getting back into some kind of relationship. The rest really isn't as important.