kozmikgirl

PASSION OR OBSESSION?

So I was on a walk in the sunshine today & it came to me.

Definitions of PASSION on the Web:
*Strong feeling or emotion
*Heat: the trait of being intensely emotional
*Rage: something that is desired intensely; "his rage for fame destroyed him"
*Mania: an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action
*A feeling of strong sexual desire
*Love: any object of warm affection or devotion; "the theater was her first love"; "he has a passion for cock fighting" (I also have a passion for cock fighting... lol)
*The suffering of Jesus at the crucifixion.

Definitions of OBSESSION on the Web:
*Recurrent and persistent thought, impulse, or image experienced as intrusive and distressing. Recognized as being excessive and unreasonable even though it is the product of one's mind. This thought, impulse, or image cannot be expunged by logic or reasoning.
*A recurring, unwanted idea that cannot be eliminated. Obsessive ideas are often unreasonable and disturbing. Preoccupation with an obsessive idea can interfere with normal daily activities.
*An unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone.

So, there it is.

When I am painting or creating something on Photoshop that is almost the only thing I think about. I might stop for however long & do my daily routine & such, but the whole time I am consumed with thoughts about what I am working on. I can't think of anything else. As I walk & shop & watch tv I am still thinking about what I want to do next, where I am going with it, what I need to buy to finish it. That is why I am good at painting & Photoshop.

When I am conserned about my son that is all I think about. Whether he is sick or upset. I still have other things I have to do, but I am completely thinking about him. I can't think of anything else. As I cook & vacuum & play video games I am still thinking about how to help him. That is why I am a good mom.

When I am on a weight lose program that is what I think about most of the time. I still have to do dishes & laundry & clean the bathroom, but I am thinking about whatever is to come next in my plan. I can't stop thinking about it. That is why I have lost 70 pounds successfully.

And right now I am working on a new myspace account. I am working my html magic. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I might not work on it everyday, but I think about it everyday. I can't think of anything else. As I type my journal or talk to the neighbor or smoke I am still thinking about what I need to do, where I am going next with it. That is why my page will fucking rock.

When I am starting to like someone romantically, it consumes my every thought. It stays like that until we become exclusive & then I am ok, but until then it is completely out of control. I can't think of anything else. I don't persue men, but I do ruminate & think about a lot of things endlessly. I play it cool, or try to. But, I still think think think about them. Sure, I still hang with my friends, do my taxes, eat dinner... but all the time I am thinking about that person & outcomes & what I want. I can't stop it. It just keeps up in my mind uninvited. But, unlike all the other things, this makes things worse. It slowly drives me to a point where I just want to end it before it even began because with this I have no control over any of it & it is maddening! That is why I am still single.

I am passionate about things. I get obsessed about things. It is a blessing & a curse.

OUTCOMES

Fuck.

Ok, so you mean to tell me not only do I have to try to NOT become attached to outcomes, but I also have to NOT become attached to the outcome of my efforts to NOT become attached to outcomes?

I am fucked.