He canceled. It was for good reason. He was upset & said that he wouldn't make good company. He sounded upset. He had a bad conversation with his brother.
He tried to make plans with me for lunch later on the weekend. But all I could do at that moment was see the last four & a half hours of anxiety. Four & a half hours of pacing & hope & happy excitement & stomach flutters & 15 changes of clothes.
After all that I just needed to cry. I needed to release the anxiety into a rush of tears immediately after hearing this wasn't going to happen. I couldn't wait to, it was going to happen, so I got off the phone quick & cut him short. I didn't want him to know he made me cry. I don't want him to know that he hurt me. I am sad. I shouldn't feel this way about anyone. I will only be disappointed. I hate this. I hate this.
But, now... hours later... some booze, some smoke, some time & now that I am done crying. Now that I am breathing easier I realize something. I should have ask him if he was ok. I should have asked him if he needed to talk to someone. But no, not me. I had to go & make it about me. He is my friend first. I am a horrible friend. I shouldn't feel this way about him. I shouldn't feel this way about anyone. I hate this. I hate this.
It sucks being this sensitive all the time. It really does.
He tried to make plans with me for lunch later on the weekend. But all I could do at that moment was see the last four & a half hours of anxiety. Four & a half hours of pacing & hope & happy excitement & stomach flutters & 15 changes of clothes.
After all that I just needed to cry. I needed to release the anxiety into a rush of tears immediately after hearing this wasn't going to happen. I couldn't wait to, it was going to happen, so I got off the phone quick & cut him short. I didn't want him to know he made me cry. I don't want him to know that he hurt me. I am sad. I shouldn't feel this way about anyone. I will only be disappointed. I hate this. I hate this.
But, now... hours later... some booze, some smoke, some time & now that I am done crying. Now that I am breathing easier I realize something. I should have ask him if he was ok. I should have asked him if he needed to talk to someone. But no, not me. I had to go & make it about me. He is my friend first. I am a horrible friend. I shouldn't feel this way about him. I shouldn't feel this way about anyone. I hate this. I hate this.
It sucks being this sensitive all the time. It really does.
adelina:
You're being way too hard on yourself. There isn't any reason to feel guilty about not asking about him how he's doing - he knows you care about him, and he did cancel afterall! ♥
suicidal_george:
Don't worry you have two extra days to file your taxes this year. 