[RANT]
Ok. So being a nervous person by nature sucks. All you easy going people, you are all so very luck. Cherish your calm nature. Cherish ever bit of it because without it life would be completely impossible instead of hard.
Last night I was getting more & more nervous about the date & I took my melatonin before bed like usual, which usually knocks me right out. But, these fucking son of a bitch nerves were kicking my ass.
Eventually at 3:30am I had to release it all & I cried & cried for about an hour. At this point I am thinking how if I don't just relax & get on with real life I will be alone forever & be friendless & be that damn cat lady everyone fears. I wouldn't ever be able to live my dreams if I don't suck it up & get on with it & that is just not acceptable. I want my life to be whole. I want to have a wonderful quality of life too. So I decided to suffer through the extreme discomfort of my nerves & just do it all nervous & completely freaked out if I have to. I decided to get out the xanax & try to sleep. Having a good nights sleep is really what will make the day easier for me, I knew that, so I swollowed down a xanax & layed down. In about 30 I was asleep... restlessly asleep, but still asleep.
So, I am woken up at 11am by that guy that stayed with me's mom. She wanted to know everything he brought into my apartment when he was staying with me because I guess he had stolen someone's truck at the restaurant next to my apartments one night (probably that night I kicked him out for the night) & he dumped the truck far up in the woods & stole all the construction tools & equipment & a digital camera & really expensive stuff that was used at this guys construction business. The guy was online in the fast food restaurant for 20 or so minutes I guess & he is disabled too. Fucking asshole David. What a fuckin' loser! Fuck that bastard! Fuck him in the ass!!! That fuckin' mother fucker! Everytime I turn around someone is saying he did this & that when he was staying with me. Keep in mind in that month he stayed with me he only left the house maybe 6 or 7 times. What the fuck!?!!!
Anyway, so after that call of course I am completely awake... why oh why did I answer the phone? I don't know why she keeps calling my cell before 2pm. I have told her countless times not to call me on that phone & never before 2pm. Fuck. David is the one that gave her my son of a bitch number in the first place... fuck. I figure I will just have to call her & tell her my "new" number (really my home phone number, which I keep doing but she is too dense to get it) & say that I am giving my cell phone with my cell number to my mom to use. I don't like to lie, but fuckin' A, it isn't that hard to wait until an insomniac gets some gawddamn motha fuckin' sleep for shit's sake before calling. Is it so hard to understand? I hate people who have no problems sleeping, they are the most annoying people alive because they don't understand & they just don't try to understand either. Fuck.
But, of course then I was up. Fuck. So, I look in the mirror & see that my eye lids are swollen & red from crying & my head was throbbing & my teeth hurt like hell. When I cry, I guess I get'r done or something, geez.
And, of course the nerves have kicked my stomach out of that lovely 3 week remission & back into the hella pain again. Son of a bitch, it just never ends.
So, here I sit. I have to leave in about an hour & go somewhere I have never been & try to put on a straight face & present myself in a lovely way & be pleasant when all I want to do is cry. I might get lost, might not. My guts are churning & I have already taken one of my stomach pain meds & plan to take another here soon. I am going to pile it on, every damn pill I got.
But, he is special to me. He has been patient with my being too nervous to met him for months & he left it up to me to pick the day. I picked today. Stupid me, don't I remember that Sundays always suck... ha ha. I just never learn.
[/RANT]
Ok, whew! Wow... I feel better.... wheeeeew! Happy happy!
On a good note, I am having a good hair day.
Ok. So being a nervous person by nature sucks. All you easy going people, you are all so very luck. Cherish your calm nature. Cherish ever bit of it because without it life would be completely impossible instead of hard.
Last night I was getting more & more nervous about the date & I took my melatonin before bed like usual, which usually knocks me right out. But, these fucking son of a bitch nerves were kicking my ass.
Eventually at 3:30am I had to release it all & I cried & cried for about an hour. At this point I am thinking how if I don't just relax & get on with real life I will be alone forever & be friendless & be that damn cat lady everyone fears. I wouldn't ever be able to live my dreams if I don't suck it up & get on with it & that is just not acceptable. I want my life to be whole. I want to have a wonderful quality of life too. So I decided to suffer through the extreme discomfort of my nerves & just do it all nervous & completely freaked out if I have to. I decided to get out the xanax & try to sleep. Having a good nights sleep is really what will make the day easier for me, I knew that, so I swollowed down a xanax & layed down. In about 30 I was asleep... restlessly asleep, but still asleep.
So, I am woken up at 11am by that guy that stayed with me's mom. She wanted to know everything he brought into my apartment when he was staying with me because I guess he had stolen someone's truck at the restaurant next to my apartments one night (probably that night I kicked him out for the night) & he dumped the truck far up in the woods & stole all the construction tools & equipment & a digital camera & really expensive stuff that was used at this guys construction business. The guy was online in the fast food restaurant for 20 or so minutes I guess & he is disabled too. Fucking asshole David. What a fuckin' loser! Fuck that bastard! Fuck him in the ass!!! That fuckin' mother fucker! Everytime I turn around someone is saying he did this & that when he was staying with me. Keep in mind in that month he stayed with me he only left the house maybe 6 or 7 times. What the fuck!?!!!
Anyway, so after that call of course I am completely awake... why oh why did I answer the phone? I don't know why she keeps calling my cell before 2pm. I have told her countless times not to call me on that phone & never before 2pm. Fuck. David is the one that gave her my son of a bitch number in the first place... fuck. I figure I will just have to call her & tell her my "new" number (really my home phone number, which I keep doing but she is too dense to get it) & say that I am giving my cell phone with my cell number to my mom to use. I don't like to lie, but fuckin' A, it isn't that hard to wait until an insomniac gets some gawddamn motha fuckin' sleep for shit's sake before calling. Is it so hard to understand? I hate people who have no problems sleeping, they are the most annoying people alive because they don't understand & they just don't try to understand either. Fuck.
But, of course then I was up. Fuck. So, I look in the mirror & see that my eye lids are swollen & red from crying & my head was throbbing & my teeth hurt like hell. When I cry, I guess I get'r done or something, geez.
And, of course the nerves have kicked my stomach out of that lovely 3 week remission & back into the hella pain again. Son of a bitch, it just never ends.
So, here I sit. I have to leave in about an hour & go somewhere I have never been & try to put on a straight face & present myself in a lovely way & be pleasant when all I want to do is cry. I might get lost, might not. My guts are churning & I have already taken one of my stomach pain meds & plan to take another here soon. I am going to pile it on, every damn pill I got.
But, he is special to me. He has been patient with my being too nervous to met him for months & he left it up to me to pick the day. I picked today. Stupid me, don't I remember that Sundays always suck... ha ha. I just never learn.
[/RANT]
Ok, whew! Wow... I feel better.... wheeeeew! Happy happy!
On a good note, I am having a good hair day.
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