kozmikgirl

CAR
Well, my mom looked under the hood last night. She is such a little mechanic, I swear. Anyway, she said that some engine part seems to be missing. I forget which one she said. It was a small but important part, that is all I know. I guess it just fell out, just like that. I guess that was the noise. I walked the road where it happened & I didn't see anything at all though. Hmmm.

DATING
I have had a handful of people, most of them from the internet, ask me out. Coffee, dinner, stuff like that. I just don't know though.

After a year or so of being sick & being home basically 24/7, I seem to have lost interest in dating & all that goes along with it... cuddling, connecting, possibility of love, etc... all of it just doesn't appeal to me very much anymore. I don't know why I have lost interest. Perhaps it is fear? O maybe the fact that I am already content & satisfied with my life just the way it is? Could it be that I have a dead soul? Or maybe I have just lost my faith in my dating abilities?

Also, some of it is that I really don't think I am that great of a catch. It just seems like everyone wants to be paired up with someone who has a million ga-zillion hobbies & who is working a trillion hours a week & is going to school & being a mom & who goes out every night & go go go. But I am very much NOT go go go. I am very happy to be still. I don't like to go go go. Perhaps occationally, but definately not all the time. I don't know many people like me. I certainly have not met someone while dating that appreciates life, as it is, unaltered by distractions. I like life when it is plain & simple & quiet. I seem alone in this kind of appreciation for life.

And, I don't really get lonely that often anyway. Most days I would choose being by myself over socializing.

And I am not "longing" for anything either, so why would I want to date? Shouldn't I be longing for something?

And, I don't know what I want either. The more I date, the more I realize I have no idea what I want. I mean, I want the basic stuff, like respect & companionship & trust & someone who is always straight & authentic with me. And of course sexual attraction & compatability... but the details, I don't have any. But, perhaps maybe not knowing these details is better. Maybe not boxing up what I think is perfect into a neat little package like that leaves me open to meeting anyone. It gives me a chance to get to know any kind of person out there...

This is all giving me a headache.