I feel so upset like I am loosing touch with reality. I really have no one. After all that has happened this last 6 weeks (& especially this last week, as you well know) there was really no one here for me. I did this all totally alone because I am totally alone. Totally. It makes me feel like I don't know what is real & what is not. I may trust three people, but they have their own circle & their own support systems & their own lives. Tonight I came to realize that I don't have anyone & I am totally freaking out, but sort of in a stunned & frozen way... like I can't move... like if I stop & wait long enough I will wake up & realize this is all just a bad dream.
Of my three friends, one of them is too busy for me & despite my pleas on her voice mail for someone to talk to, I have heard nothing from her in over a week. She has her own friends, to hell with me I suppose.
One I just wouldn't know where to begin, how NOT to feel stupid about all this in front of her.
One doesn't really know the gravity of the situation, so it really isn't his fault... but I still feel alone despite that.
Out of all of them though, I don't feel close to any of them. Not really. Not in the way people are suppose to feel close to one another when they are friends so long. Not in a connected sort of way.
I always hope that I will feel that connected thing someday with someone. I will keep at it in hopes that someday it will come. I bet it is a nice feeling.
And my mom & dad always makes everything worse, so it is best to pretend everything is ok with them. I have no siblings & I am not close to anyone else in the family.
That is it. All I have. Fucked up, isn't it?
I think I will have to go put my cat to sleep tomorrow. How can I sleep tonight knowing this? She just started getting worse afew hours ago. She smells really bad, she can't walk, her ears are falling off, her paws are bloody, I also found blood on her side & three of her lymph nodes are enlarged. I can't believe I have to wait until tomorrow. She doesn't seem upset or in pain though. But, shit this is awful.
And I have no one.
Of my three friends, one of them is too busy for me & despite my pleas on her voice mail for someone to talk to, I have heard nothing from her in over a week. She has her own friends, to hell with me I suppose.
One I just wouldn't know where to begin, how NOT to feel stupid about all this in front of her.
One doesn't really know the gravity of the situation, so it really isn't his fault... but I still feel alone despite that.
Out of all of them though, I don't feel close to any of them. Not really. Not in the way people are suppose to feel close to one another when they are friends so long. Not in a connected sort of way.
I always hope that I will feel that connected thing someday with someone. I will keep at it in hopes that someday it will come. I bet it is a nice feeling.
And my mom & dad always makes everything worse, so it is best to pretend everything is ok with them. I have no siblings & I am not close to anyone else in the family.
That is it. All I have. Fucked up, isn't it?
I think I will have to go put my cat to sleep tomorrow. How can I sleep tonight knowing this? She just started getting worse afew hours ago. She smells really bad, she can't walk, her ears are falling off, her paws are bloody, I also found blood on her side & three of her lymph nodes are enlarged. I can't believe I have to wait until tomorrow. She doesn't seem upset or in pain though. But, shit this is awful.
And I have no one.
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I almost wrote something similar
about friends and feeling alone.
You should spend a day in portland with me
and maybe things will perk up.