kozmikgirl

This is long, but full of drama & asshats. I am sure you will enjoy it...

THE ASSHAT ROOMIE
Well, as you all well know I have been letting a friend of mine stay with me. He was homeless, litterly sleeping on the streets in Portland... going to the different shelters for food & stuff. He is an ex of mine & I have known him for 5 or 6 years & we have remained friends. I just thought it isn't right for a friend of mine to be in that situation. I really just wanted to help him to help himself, I wanted to be a good friend.

Afew days after being at my place he did fix the back window of my car, so I thought this plan was a mutually good one. Good for us both. And we were getting along & talking about how when he moves out we could explore getting back together. We talked out all of the old stuff from the past & were connecting as friends pretty well.

But, then it started getting really hard. He wasn't doing anything. I always made dinner, always did the dishes. He sat on his ass. I did EVERYTHING. He wasn't working, so he should have been helping out. I would express my anger about this in a tactful way & he would apologise & then be helpful, but only for a day or two & then he would go back to sleeping all day on my couch & watching movie after movie after movie nonstop, every moment he was awake. And worst of it was that he never left so I could get my much needed alone time. He never left to try & help his situation, never visted friends or even just go for a walk. He was only out of the house about 3 or 4 times.

I was really getting antsy for him to go. He had told me on 3 separate occations that he was moving out, then the day he said he was leaving would come & go & there his ass would still be, on my couch. Yuk. It got to a point that anything he did or said completely repulsed me. Many times I thought about chopping him up into little bits & feeding him to my cat. I just got to a point where I couldn't stand him at all because he was so annoying & such an unappreciative lazy bastard.

And when he was up at night doing that movie maration thing I couldn't sleep. I like complete silence when I go to bed. I am a light sleeper & just need quiet. And I have had bouts of insomnia since I was a child, so I like to sleep when I can. I think I only got about 30 hours of sleep a week for the past 4 weeks when I need more then double that just to function. But, I was trying to be a good friend.

Keep in mind that this whole time I was taking care of my sick kitty, being up all night with her too. It reminded me of taking care of a newborn baby with all the time, sleepless nights & care involved.

But wait, it gets worse...

THE CHRISTMAS CARD
About 10 days ago I got a Christmas card in the mail. It was to my neighbor & since her mailbox is on the other side of the building & her son comes over everyday I decided to just give it to him later that day. I sat it on my table in the hall, where I set all my paperwork & mail. Afew hours later it was gone & I searched & searched the house, thinking I have really lost my mind. I was so pissed at myself for being so careless.

Well, afew days later, when the roomie left for awhile I got a weird vibe that he took the card. So I went through his back pack hoping to prove myself & my intuitions wrong. But, there it was, opened, in his backpack... right next to his bible of all things.

I had no idea why he would do that. I sat on this information for afew days, not knowing what to think about it. I finally called a friend & told her the story & she said he was probably hoping that it had money in it. I didn't even think of that. I am just way to trusting in people.

I gave him chance after chance to tell me the truth. I wanted him to fess up & feel guilt & apologise without me having to confront him. I wanted to give him a chance. I looked for the card right in front of him hoping to prompt some sort of confession & I went on & on about how I am so careless to loose it & that I felt bad & kept asking him if he has seen it. Many times I asked him if there was anything we should talk about, anything we should get out in the open. I gave him plenty of chances. I decided after Christmas I was going to confront him. I just wanted to get through the holiday first.

And, yes... it gets worse...

CHRISTMAS EVE
The roomie went to his mom's house for a big family dinner. Me & my son were invited too, but I felt too exhausted to be social. I also felt like if this is the only chance I will get to have my house to myself for awhile then I should probably take it.

So, that night I was making dinner & the chicken had to cook for 40 minutes & I decided to work on some of my Nintendo 64 games & try to unwind with some mind-numbing games. I keep my games in a drawer in the living room under the tv. I opened it up to get them & all my games were gone. This is the drawer I told him he could keep some of his things in. So, there are his things & my games are gone. Crap. I am pissed, but I look in the other 8 drawers just to be sure I didn't move them, but they were not anywhere else.

So, I call him up at his family dinner. I don't know what I am going to say, I just feel my heart pounding & I am at this point completely run by adrenalin. But, I give him one more chance to work it out. I say in a normal way "Hey, have you seen my games?" Then I ask about the card. He says nothing about it. So I tell him I know about the card & that I am sorry I went through his stuff, but I really just wanted to prove myself wrong so I could trust him. I say how I know about the games & that I never want to see him or any of his family ever again (his brother did me wrong years ago too). I tell him that his whole family is toxic & to stay out of my life, that I am done.

I could tell he was embarrased, he was probably at the table at dinner with family when I called... or at least I hope he was. He kept saying he would pay for the games, but never admitted to taking them.

Keep in mind I have been working on that motherfucking Mario 64 game for a year & the memory card for Nintendo 64 games are INSIDE THE ACTUAL GAMES! Even if I buy the motherfucker, I have to start all over. I couldn't even afford these games in the first place, my last boyfriend got them for me because he knew I never had money to just spend on something for myself like that.

And can you believe that this guy actually had the nerve to call me selfish last week? Can you even believe that? He also told me one day, when I was talking about how many times people have stole from me, that the one thing I can always count on is that he will never steal from me. He made a very big point of it. He also said he was "drawn to me" & that he didn't want to do anything to mess up our friendship. I feel like a real sucker.

End of story. I will never speak to this person again... ever. He is a loser. A total bastard.

I need to be more careful with trusting people. It is really my own fault. I should know better by now then to trust anyone, particularly men. I hope someday I can gain back my trusting ways, but not too much this time. I need to really be more causeous of others & their intentions. I really must say this is probably why I prefer to only spend time with the 3 friends I trust (Sharon, April & Suicidal_george), my son or by myself.

I feel completely emotionally raped & totally drained. I keep staring off into space & waiting to wake up & for all of this to have been only a bad dream.

NEW RULE: Never remain friends with ex's. They are ex's for a reason.

The positive side of Christmas will be in my next journal, because there actually was plenty of good to my holiday to balance out the bad...