koolthing

Today has been a long day of struggling with the desire to make meaning from the madness. I sat with a HUGE stack of papers, the culmination of years of work, study, heartache, joy...The papers each meant something to me - and as I picked each one up and looked at it, I was torn, I didn't want to trash the old journal or the note from my mom, the love letter, or receipt from that amazing dinner we ate at sunset on Santorini with the wild cats - but if I am going to ever move on I had to let go...I literally felt like I was losing my mind as each piece went into the bin, and I felt like I was binning the very essence of myself. I tried to ritualize the process a bit, tearing up the bad things and lovingly setting aside the things I wanted to say goodbye to for a little longer. I felt like I was dying.
I am visiting old friends, and no one will say goodbye - everyone insists they will see me in a few months, and perhaps they are right, perhaps I will be back sooner than I ever expected if I am returning "home" for the wrong reasons. I even spoke with the SO or EX or whatever I should refer to her as now, and I felt like we can talk again. Not about anything significant, but just chat like friends. This is progress...in a really bizarre sort of way.

One of my best friends came over Tuesday morning at 5:00AM - a bottle of wine in his hand, and desperately needing a conspirator. He needs to get out of Amsterdam as badly as I did a few months ago - he is miserable, and angry, the life is being drained out of him here. We spent the day together, talking a bit here and there, and he gave me a few unexpected revelations about myself I was surprised to hear. I hope I can help him as much as he has comforted me in the last half year, there are many times I would have really self destructed if it had not been for his patience and guidance.

I am going to see some of the kids tomorrow at the community center, Inti had to take over my "make your own music video" course, and I hope she doesn't feel abandoned by my leaving. The Boss - Ellen and I spoke today, and besides financial issues (like everywhere), things are going well. They are doing such good work - I wish I had the time and money to continue doing the workshops, it really brought a tremendous amount of joy to my life. I am so happy to be able to bring the Sony video cameras to them, but I feel like my parents, trying to buy something to replace the time we won't have together.

I am starting to feel satisfied, though. I am proud of myself for facing the challenges I would have run from before. Some of those small victories can shape everything around them.