So for some reason I keep waking up at odd hours (generally around 5am) this week. I cannot determine if it is some weird jet lag thingy, or some deeper thing stirring within that wakes me up...
This morning I watched My Life Without Me. I don't know if any of you have ever seen this movie, but it is somehow extremely unsettling and yet extraordinarily moving- I found myself starting to think about the things I would want to accomplish if I only had a few months to live. Then you think to yourself, well why is it always the hard working mother in a happy marriage that dies instead of someone like me that is still figuring things out. Don't get me wrong, this isn't some death wish or depression oriented thing. I just started thinking about what is suddenly so trivial- how much time I spend thinking about the man that cannot figure out how to be with me, instead of striving for so much more.
I mean really, here this girl sits and writes out a list of things she wants to do and it's so simple really. Think about the things you fail to do, the relationships you let slide away because work becomes so important. The faith and focus on yourself and your dreams.
First of all, I have to say that I am thankful for every one of you in my life. It is good to know that I can sit down and write out my thoughts and puzzle through life and I have friends that care enough to read about where you are and what you are doing.
Secondly- kick my ass if I am unable to say
honestly that I have been working on my business plan. We all have our issues with work and our goals to achieve and that is huge. I cannot start my non-profit til I have a secure income to count on first. And shit. like she says in that damn movie, what is life if we don't have any dreams- it's just over. But more than that we need to use our time to accomplish them. Stop wasting my day away trying to get it all done for someone else, what am I doing for myself first?
Which leads me back to the whole relationship thing. I KNOW we cannot choose whom we connect with nor fall in love with. And I know that I cannot have all the answers, so at the very least, I need to let go of my hopes and fears and purify myself. Refocus and center on my personal happiness and let things fall back into place. What is meant to be must come from the outside, as I have long since opened myself up to the potential risks and been burned more than once. But hell, if we had all the answers there would simply be no point in existing, really. Life is a journey that sometimes I wish I could escape, but then you stay up watching a movie that makes you think about what would be if you weren't here and dammit, I am certainly not done creating yet.
This morning I watched My Life Without Me. I don't know if any of you have ever seen this movie, but it is somehow extremely unsettling and yet extraordinarily moving- I found myself starting to think about the things I would want to accomplish if I only had a few months to live. Then you think to yourself, well why is it always the hard working mother in a happy marriage that dies instead of someone like me that is still figuring things out. Don't get me wrong, this isn't some death wish or depression oriented thing. I just started thinking about what is suddenly so trivial- how much time I spend thinking about the man that cannot figure out how to be with me, instead of striving for so much more.
I mean really, here this girl sits and writes out a list of things she wants to do and it's so simple really. Think about the things you fail to do, the relationships you let slide away because work becomes so important. The faith and focus on yourself and your dreams.
First of all, I have to say that I am thankful for every one of you in my life. It is good to know that I can sit down and write out my thoughts and puzzle through life and I have friends that care enough to read about where you are and what you are doing.
Secondly- kick my ass if I am unable to say
honestly that I have been working on my business plan. We all have our issues with work and our goals to achieve and that is huge. I cannot start my non-profit til I have a secure income to count on first. And shit. like she says in that damn movie, what is life if we don't have any dreams- it's just over. But more than that we need to use our time to accomplish them. Stop wasting my day away trying to get it all done for someone else, what am I doing for myself first?
Which leads me back to the whole relationship thing. I KNOW we cannot choose whom we connect with nor fall in love with. And I know that I cannot have all the answers, so at the very least, I need to let go of my hopes and fears and purify myself. Refocus and center on my personal happiness and let things fall back into place. What is meant to be must come from the outside, as I have long since opened myself up to the potential risks and been burned more than once. But hell, if we had all the answers there would simply be no point in existing, really. Life is a journey that sometimes I wish I could escape, but then you stay up watching a movie that makes you think about what would be if you weren't here and dammit, I am certainly not done creating yet.
dave_h:
