So, there I was, dealing but angry (er, still am angry but in a more under the surface, reasonably streamlined way), when another discussion ensued last Monday in which I realised somethging else. I have this love/hate relationship with being grotesque. I hate it because I don't *want* to be grotesque and am tired of being *seen* as grotesque (and for those of you who just know me online and want to say 'aww, but you're not!' thanks and I do know that but try to tell society when it looks at you as a disabled person and judges you flawed. Doubly so if you're a woman) because of the self-hate/memory thing. Yet at the same time I love being *a* grotesque because by being grotesque it means the world cannot harm you because you have already harmed yourself.
And realising this last key point suddenly makes the 'having to give 200%' thing seem much less painful, because I realise it doesn't have to be. It's useful; it has a purpose in that it helps me avoid feeding the grotesque. And to do that, I must make the effort to be more socially...I dunno, acceptable? Wear more socially accepting signals? Basically I feel like I've been letting stuff slide a little in terms of attitude/social behaviour in the last couple of years and it's time to reaffirm my identity to get a positive reflection otherwise I'll both fall and die *and* fall into being the grotesque, which I hate feeling.
So suddenly years of my Mum trying to drill into me better girlish behaviour has finally sunk in for my own slightly wacky psychological reasons and help justify the effort that everyone must make to get by in this life but that hurts.
Hence, me dealing better.
Now I just wish this sinus ache would clear up.
And realising this last key point suddenly makes the 'having to give 200%' thing seem much less painful, because I realise it doesn't have to be. It's useful; it has a purpose in that it helps me avoid feeding the grotesque. And to do that, I must make the effort to be more socially...I dunno, acceptable? Wear more socially accepting signals? Basically I feel like I've been letting stuff slide a little in terms of attitude/social behaviour in the last couple of years and it's time to reaffirm my identity to get a positive reflection otherwise I'll both fall and die *and* fall into being the grotesque, which I hate feeling.
So suddenly years of my Mum trying to drill into me better girlish behaviour has finally sunk in for my own slightly wacky psychological reasons and help justify the effort that everyone must make to get by in this life but that hurts.
Hence, me dealing better.
Now I just wish this sinus ache would clear up.
Feel bettar!