kelland

I was suppose to go out and about tonight but when I arrived home from dinner with my grandparents all that kind of died and I ended up resorting to my Algebra 2 homework. I cannot solve equations with merely letters alone. Numbers are useful in math. I am not into this letter bullshit. Five variables per equation? What the bloody hell? I have an accounting test tomorrow. I have a 93 in the class based on only a few worksheets. That's not... good or bad. I won't say. I wish it were higher, but people would cut my head off for that grade so I'll shut up. I also have a test in Media Communications on Friday... over... who knows? Audio and graphics I'm guessing. The last test was over camera operation and I got a 96 on it. I'm not particularly worried about that class. I fell asleep in Current Events today and woke up with a blurry right eye and papers stuck to my hands and face. Obviously I am not worried about my grade in that class either.

School is such trivial bullshit. I am working hard while I'm there so I don't have to sell my kidneys to the black market in order to go to college. I am involved in too many fucking things, and I am constantly running around during lunch trying to get things done inbetween trying to consume food. For awhile I wasn't eating but I figured out that my body wasn't liking that. I feel like all of my old friends no longer find me fun or witty or interesting anymore. Our conversations are dry and almost forced. I think we are all growing apart. I feel partially guilty because I have been absorbed in my own little self-pity bubble lately, but they also aren't making much of an effort to keep the friendship going. One of my better friends, one might even call her a good friend, broke up with her boyfriend of two years on Saturday and is now dating one of our male friends. Gee. I wish I could repair myself that easily. The whole thing seems so heartless. Like it didn't matter in the first place...

I don't want to talk about it because I've been doing good not thinking about it, but I wonder what my former boyfriend is doing nowadays. Working? Driving? Living at his friend's house? Figuring out what he's going to do with his life? I was talking to a girl today in the lunch line and she was telling me that he and her were going to the same concert tomorrow. That made me kind of sad inside. I wanted him to go with Jessica and I to see Ani next month but when we were together he didn't want to because of money issues. I had planned this big stupid surprise of buying him a ticket. And a new pair of Chucks since I wore his out. Brown ones. But I don't know where these ideas go now. I guess somewhere else.

I used to wear his shoes to work because they were more broken in than my Chucks. They were more comfortable and easier to walk in. I called them my "work Chucks." I guess it's maybe weird to wear another person's shoes all the time, but I always felt close to him with those on, even when we were in two different locations. It was a reminder that I had someone who was cool enough to let me wear his shoes anytime I wanted. They are still sitting in my closet. I cleaned them up the other night and put them back. I haven't worn them recently because naturally it makes me upset. That is sappy.

I do honestly wonder and worry about him, though. I wonder if he ever wonders or worries about me. I miss him a lot. Sigh.

I discovered that Shannon didn't take the BRMC CDs with her to college after all. So I have been listening to those nonstop. I hate these new headphones I bought. They are shaped to fit around your ear and the speaker part goes directly into your ear and they just aren't working for me like they did for the happy person on the front of the package.

AS SURE AS THE SUN
So now that everybody's gone
You see no change has come
In every song you've ever sung
You find the words were wrong
But now the time is gonna come
And there's no feeling lost
For everyone who could've loved
And made me not to love
And all the time
I thought your words were mine
You held me down
As sure as the sun
You held me down
As sure as the sun
Now I could see into your eyes
But there's no compromise
For anyone you could've saved
But never recognized
And now your worries gonna fall
But I won't help at all
For everyone who sees the place
Who knows they can't belong
And all the time
I thought your words were mine
You held me down
As sure as the sun
You held me down
As sure as the sun
-BLACK REBEL MOTORCYCLE CLUB