kahlua

originally an email but got posted cause talking to this dude is easier than just trying to say what i mean.




so it comes down to the fact that i dont know what to make of anythign except that if i could leave tonite i would. theres just too much, like the fact that i would have no money no home and be fucking over my roommates that stops me. sounds like a good batch of reasons to stay. its strange. this is the weirdest ive ever felt about anything. i dont know what to make of it. im at odds. and its empty. and thats hard. but its almost ok. because if its empty (it i guess being me and my life and all you understand right?) then that just leaves a lot of room to fill iwth good things. im at some kind of revolution in my own life. im this whole new different person, just really a true honest to herself person a stronger real version of who i was or am or in the future can say i used to be ha....ive never ever felt like this. and ive felt crushed, as low as a person can get. if emotional pain could kill id've died four years ago. but thats just not what this is. its determination its what i need to move on to something better its what i need to be right. and i think ive lost somethign but with it ive gained the ideas i need and the determination and lost site of the things that held me down. does any of this make a fuckin lick of sense??

im by no means happy. its just that i now know what it is im lookin for. i dont know when ill find it but i know some sort of how. or somethign. i just ignore the doubts because the weird thing about doubts is that they only even happen if i acknowledge them.



dont take this the wrong way guys. by no means am i happy. i am not ok. but im fixing it. or something. i dont really know anything or what anythign should be just that htis isnt it and im trying to pick what direction to go because i guess that is the one thing i do know is that i need to go there.