the more i think, the more i reflect, the more i ponder, the less i understand.
there is so little logic. this is so out of the blue, so out of character, so undeniably weird. something had to have happened. it just doesn't seem to fit otherwise. the story i get doesn't make sense.
i feel bits of anger, but sense that there's more buried in there. i feel sadness and heartbreak. i feel overwhelmed by confusion and loss.
i am a person who strives to understand. the lack of understanding kills me. it really messes with my head. i am doing the best that i can, but without answers and resolution, i can't do much. i feel like i am floating~completely lost, waiting for something to tell me which way to turn. my life is on hold for the moment. i have never before felt this way. i have never felt so utterly alone, so without a clue, and so determined to figure something out.
for those who have spent any time getting to know me~you know that i don't give up. i don't give in, i don't break. i push through, i fight, i persevere. but, i feel that fading. i feel so defeated. i don't know how much fight i have left. i don't know how much more loss i can withstand. everyday brings another snag that darkens my path. everyday seems to be a fight. this isn't right.
but don't you worry. i will be alright. somehow i will. if not for me, for that little girl that i have yet to know but already love more than anything else in the world.
thanks for everyone's kind words and thoughts for me. it is the constant feelings of love i get from those around me that give me the strength i need right now.
i love you all!
i took this picture from the deck outside this morning. it was quite spectacular to see.
there is so little logic. this is so out of the blue, so out of character, so undeniably weird. something had to have happened. it just doesn't seem to fit otherwise. the story i get doesn't make sense.
i feel bits of anger, but sense that there's more buried in there. i feel sadness and heartbreak. i feel overwhelmed by confusion and loss.
i am a person who strives to understand. the lack of understanding kills me. it really messes with my head. i am doing the best that i can, but without answers and resolution, i can't do much. i feel like i am floating~completely lost, waiting for something to tell me which way to turn. my life is on hold for the moment. i have never before felt this way. i have never felt so utterly alone, so without a clue, and so determined to figure something out.
for those who have spent any time getting to know me~you know that i don't give up. i don't give in, i don't break. i push through, i fight, i persevere. but, i feel that fading. i feel so defeated. i don't know how much fight i have left. i don't know how much more loss i can withstand. everyday brings another snag that darkens my path. everyday seems to be a fight. this isn't right.
but don't you worry. i will be alright. somehow i will. if not for me, for that little girl that i have yet to know but already love more than anything else in the world.
thanks for everyone's kind words and thoughts for me. it is the constant feelings of love i get from those around me that give me the strength i need right now.
i love you all!
i took this picture from the deck outside this morning. it was quite spectacular to see.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
I'm not sure you'll ever understand the way you need to. There are some things that we never find the truth of. Some things that escape our understanding in a way we want. But that doesn't mean the end of the world and I know you know that. I'm sure you've spoken to him about it and that you'll speak with him again. Should he be fool enough not to beg you to take him back, the answer you're seeking will have been given to you... maybe not the one you want or the one that makes the most sense... but perhaps the one you need. And if he does ask you to come home to you, then the answer to the previous question becomes irrelevant--to a point.
But that's not what's important, at the moment. At least, me, sitting over here, thinks it's not important. Obviously, I'm speaking from my point of view. See, sitting over here, what's important is that you cherish this time. These moments where you're not alone. Because for the next little while, as alone as you may feel, you're never alone. As you've said, you've got someone with you that you love more than you've ever loved anything in the world and that is the most beautiful thing in the world to me. Even more beautiful than you (and that's saying something... cause damn, have you seen you?).
But you know what? I'm not worried about you. Not even a little. I know that you've got things straight. I know that you won't break... and even if you did, you'd be on the mend in moments. I know you've got your eyes on the horizon and you're finding the beautiful in every possible moment. After all, how could you admire that horizon without the eyes to see it and the soul to know how beautiful it is? Each day gives you the answers you need, my love, if only we have the ears to listen. And you have the ears to listen, the mind to appreciate and the soul to be moved by the sun warming the world.
Love you, darling.