Sometimes I am like this.
On the long bus ride home yesterday I revisited thoughts and emotions I had not cared to embrace for well over 3 to 4 years now.
From a semi-nap, Heather suddenly crept back from my dead memories for reason unknown. It was interesting to note that I still wanted to kill her with my bare hands.
When she came to your door during one afternoon of my impromptu visit, I answered it. I spoke to her. And I was fucking polite when I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING STRANGLED HER ON THE SPOT so that you wouldnt need to choose between us.
Instead, I told her to wait while I called you downstairs. I noticed you were wearing one of your nicer shirts to go out with her, when you had been wearing your shitty ragged house shirts the whole time I had stayed with you. Your state of mind was obvious but I couldnt see it, even though I hated both of you at the time and wanted to tear you apart with my eyes. I just couldnt understand why you would lie about seeing this girl who proved to be so goddamned ordinary in person.
I was so nave I let you go on a doctors visit with her. I apologize; I did not see. If I hadnt been so busy trying to remind you how much I loved you by letting you go and giving you your freedom I would have laughed in your face and asked you if you thought I was really that stupid. Maybe you would have seen the wisdom in that eventually. And maybe today I would have been proud of how I handled things then.
But you left. My first, last, and only chance to beat the shit out of her had gone. She won that day, and you and I had lost.
To this day I have not forgotten her name. To this day I would meet her with my fist if I could.
To think that some random stranger had once carried your child instead of me I dont make it a habit to explore the implications of past betrayals,
But today it makes me want to spit blood.
Know this: I would not do that again. When next I get the chance to physically maim someone who deserves it, I would not hold back again. Dignity, reason, and consequence have long proved my enemies in this game. No more.
__________________________________________________________________
I have taken up smoking in efforts to deal with Ds quitting. If thats not funny, I dont know what is.
__________________________________________________________________
Tell me why the world is good.
I forget, sometimes.
On the long bus ride home yesterday I revisited thoughts and emotions I had not cared to embrace for well over 3 to 4 years now.
From a semi-nap, Heather suddenly crept back from my dead memories for reason unknown. It was interesting to note that I still wanted to kill her with my bare hands.
When she came to your door during one afternoon of my impromptu visit, I answered it. I spoke to her. And I was fucking polite when I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING STRANGLED HER ON THE SPOT so that you wouldnt need to choose between us.
Instead, I told her to wait while I called you downstairs. I noticed you were wearing one of your nicer shirts to go out with her, when you had been wearing your shitty ragged house shirts the whole time I had stayed with you. Your state of mind was obvious but I couldnt see it, even though I hated both of you at the time and wanted to tear you apart with my eyes. I just couldnt understand why you would lie about seeing this girl who proved to be so goddamned ordinary in person.
I was so nave I let you go on a doctors visit with her. I apologize; I did not see. If I hadnt been so busy trying to remind you how much I loved you by letting you go and giving you your freedom I would have laughed in your face and asked you if you thought I was really that stupid. Maybe you would have seen the wisdom in that eventually. And maybe today I would have been proud of how I handled things then.
But you left. My first, last, and only chance to beat the shit out of her had gone. She won that day, and you and I had lost.
To this day I have not forgotten her name. To this day I would meet her with my fist if I could.
To think that some random stranger had once carried your child instead of me I dont make it a habit to explore the implications of past betrayals,
But today it makes me want to spit blood.
Know this: I would not do that again. When next I get the chance to physically maim someone who deserves it, I would not hold back again. Dignity, reason, and consequence have long proved my enemies in this game. No more.
__________________________________________________________________
I have taken up smoking in efforts to deal with Ds quitting. If thats not funny, I dont know what is.
__________________________________________________________________
Tell me why the world is good.
I forget, sometimes.
VIEW 20 of 20 COMMENTS
pamonyet:
...hold fast, time heals...
wickerman:
Because in this world my son can walk right up to a cop in an resterant and say "can you do this".......he then farts.