It's raining! New Mexico doesn't see a lot of rain.
I'm listening to Tool and it's making me nauseous...
You lie, cheat, and steal. I cannot tolerate you. No one is innocent.
Something about this song is inciting anxiety in me as I'm typing this. This very moment.
Another song... Parabol. Again, adding to my uneasiness. What is going on?
We barely remember what came before this precious moment. Choosing to be here right now. Hold on. Stay inside this body, holding me, reminding me that I am not alone. This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.
What is this, a panic attack? Jotting out lyrics on the keyboard. Am I trying to convey my emotions? I'm not sure.
Another song has started. Eulogy. Haha, beautiful. With the two minute intro on this track I don't think I will type out any lyrics as I'm listening to them.
Still, the soft repetitive beat is building my anxiety further and further. I feel like vomiting.
Oh, Maynard's singing now. Wonderful.
Perhaps it's time to turn off the music.
But the silence leads to self-reflection. And self-reflection leads to depression.
I get the impression that if I'm feeling panic and depression at the same time... Well. You get the idea.
---
So what had brought about all these feelings I wonder. I think it was a conversation I had with a distant cousin this evening. She's asking me about women and stuff. She's trying to get a better idea of who I am I guess. Anyway, she's asking me questions about what kind of women I like. I realize that I really have no answer. I mean, I'm thinking the answers to these questions in my head, but I'm too uncomfortable to answer out loud. I'm used to this desire not to share myself with my parents and strangers. But there was something about this situation that made me realize that I cannot share my inner feelings with anyone.
Drawing this conclusion may seem like a bit or a reach, but it's what I'm feeling inside.
---
I will tell you about my sister's drunk adventure in the next post. I need to think about all this a little bit.
Boy, I'm sure getting my $6 worth this month. My psychologist charges a $15 co-pay once a week. This is way cheaper.
-Mike
I'm listening to Tool and it's making me nauseous...
You lie, cheat, and steal. I cannot tolerate you. No one is innocent.
Something about this song is inciting anxiety in me as I'm typing this. This very moment.
Another song... Parabol. Again, adding to my uneasiness. What is going on?
We barely remember what came before this precious moment. Choosing to be here right now. Hold on. Stay inside this body, holding me, reminding me that I am not alone. This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.
What is this, a panic attack? Jotting out lyrics on the keyboard. Am I trying to convey my emotions? I'm not sure.
Another song has started. Eulogy. Haha, beautiful. With the two minute intro on this track I don't think I will type out any lyrics as I'm listening to them.
Still, the soft repetitive beat is building my anxiety further and further. I feel like vomiting.
Oh, Maynard's singing now. Wonderful.
Perhaps it's time to turn off the music.
But the silence leads to self-reflection. And self-reflection leads to depression.
I get the impression that if I'm feeling panic and depression at the same time... Well. You get the idea.
---
So what had brought about all these feelings I wonder. I think it was a conversation I had with a distant cousin this evening. She's asking me about women and stuff. She's trying to get a better idea of who I am I guess. Anyway, she's asking me questions about what kind of women I like. I realize that I really have no answer. I mean, I'm thinking the answers to these questions in my head, but I'm too uncomfortable to answer out loud. I'm used to this desire not to share myself with my parents and strangers. But there was something about this situation that made me realize that I cannot share my inner feelings with anyone.
Drawing this conclusion may seem like a bit or a reach, but it's what I'm feeling inside.
---
I will tell you about my sister's drunk adventure in the next post. I need to think about all this a little bit.
Boy, I'm sure getting my $6 worth this month. My psychologist charges a $15 co-pay once a week. This is way cheaper.
-Mike
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
smuffy:
awww are your sg friends helping you through some tough times? 
brite_red_scream:
tool will do that to you....they're so magical 