joyrider

august concerns.

i wake up to cat scratches at my door. telegraph:
i am hungry. stop.
i want out. stop.

i lie there. my senses fire cords into my still empty head one by one. they tie themselves together. hello, self. decision time:
get up? have to. cat needs food. cat wants out.
get stoned? no. need a clear head (why? nevermind. pass.)
(why? later! you just do.
oh oh, gotta find work - that's why.)
i unwind headphone wires from around my neck.
scratch sleep from my eyes. it's sticky.

stand up. get dizzy. i can almost hear the warning sirens in my middle ear.
grab the wall. find the door. open...

routine!
bathroom. go to
stare at mirror. go to
kitchen. go to
feed cat. go to
make coffee. go (the coffee maker is single serve.
shiny black shiny chrome.) to

i put too much sugar in my coffee. i stare at it. taste it. folger's with too much sugar. i stand at the counter and drink it.

open the door to the porch. cat pushes past and disappears.
i smoke. i hear a tiny buzz coming from behind my jaw. i imagine blood vessels shrinking. i imagine pulmonary edema.

inside: read email, look at web boards. refresh. refresh.

out to a 2 dollar movie, then taco bell. dropped off back at the house before 10pm. i start filling up the hours: smoke, go for a walk, buy cigarettes and beer. stare at the computer.

refresh.