jovana

feel strange....very very strange. i stopped talking effexor. after about 1 1/2 months of taking it i have become a severe insomniac and have gained a bunch of weight. i talked to dr. khan who perscribed it and he said that those are two of the most common side effects.....i cannot deal. Basicly, those two things lead me to be tired all the time and REALLY depressed about the weight gain. so while it helped with my major anxiety levals, i was constantly running on 2-4 hours of sleep at most and everytime i look at myself in the mirror all i feel is disgust. this digust combines with the body image issues i already have has been effecting my abilities in regaurd to intimacy....i have a hard time even letting myself go and allowing myself to be touched. basicly, not sleeping at all led my body to look for fuel in other sources so i was constantly craving carbs like bread. loaves and loaves of bread....and in addition, except on rare occasion i am constantly feeling lathargic b/c all i want to do it sleep and i cannot. soooooo not worth it. So i am going to give my body about 2 weeks to reajust to its former fucked up levels and then look into something else. its not that i didn't adore what effexor did to my anxiety but i cannot handle the side effects. after 2 days of no pills i am already noticing a change in myself. i am worriing a lot more, my confidenmce in social situations is lessening, i am dwelling on things that irk me, i am more nervous, i have bigger swings in moood.....all not so good. on the plus side tho, i just slept for 5 hours and went in and out of the store without some strange and overwhelming desire to consume the entire bread isle. I also have no desire for choclate/sugar....not that i don't like it but i don't feel any need to consume to keep my body going even when i am not hungry. yay.

i wish i could find a way to change the things i don't like about myself without medecation....if i could just find a way to harness my moods, aquire some self-confidence, and stop with the worry then things would be oh so ffantastic. i have so many wonderful things in my life right now i don't want my various issues to make me forget that or make me push those things away. when one has a tendancy toward depression and anxiety its so much essier to wallow in the bad that one tends to find ways to push away the good which can be much more difficult to deal with.

I think i've come to some form of conclusion. Or understanding rather of where i am and why i feel this way. I keep looking back and not seing anything. Not seeing where i left off, or in the least not understanding it. And i keep looking forward and seeing an empty void. The emptiness is intimidating but some nights, like tonight, its not so bad b/c i remember that emptiness just means i get to fill it up with whatever i want. I get to create the future any way i like