I have changed a lot in the past few years, and I feel that I am changing faster by the day. I am less afraid of people as I used to be, less afraid to say fuck it and not worry. One of the problems I have had though, is that I try and force myself to change. I know who I want to be, the type of personality I want to have, the kind of girl I want to be with.
Actually scratch that. I don't know what kind of girl I want. I know what kind of girls I want. I am strongly attracted to quite a few different types of girls, generally the same body type but not always. One of the ways I have changed the most is that I am attracted to more than one girl at a time now, or more specifically I don't focus on just one girl to like. I am still a faithful person, I would never cheat on anyone, but I no longer aim all my affection to one person.
I believe that I used to do this as a way to protect myself from getting hurt. I have always fallen for girls I couldn't have, either because they were already taken or because I didn't think they would ever go for a guy like me. In college, I only really liked two girls. Thought quite a few more extremely cute but nothing that would cause heart break. The first I was in love with for at least a summer, but she had an out of state boyfriend and I had low self esteem. She was my motivation to really start working out, with a purpose, not just because I thought I should. And she still motivates me to this day. I still wonder what If I had started working out and taking care of my body in High School rather than freshman year of college. What If I had been 60 pounds lighter then rather than now?
Even though I am lighter now, I still have low self esteem. I still have about 40 pounds to drop till I am at the 'healthy' weight. I am extremely healthy, I eat right, work out at least 5 times a week. Serious workouts too, long runs and a trainer who kicks my ass! But that still doesn't make me not feel like I have more changing to do. I am running, literally, to be a person that I want to be, and have been working for for since I was a college sophomore.
So physically, I have changed to, well, lets say 60% of who I want to be. Musically, I have started to go to more and more concerts, and am going to be going to Bonnaroo alone in a few months. I am sort of turning into a hipster, but I am finding it hard. I don't want to label myself a hipster, because I don't want to lock myself down into a stereotype. I like a lot of hipster things. I also like a lot of punk and European things. I like fashion and I like Irish rock. I find both the high school sweetheart and the tattooed up suicide girl extremely beautiful, and not just in a lustful way.
My friends say, how did they put it, I should "take the pussy off the pedestal." While I am a virgin, I don't really find anything wrong with it. I might have sex before I marry, I might not. I fantasize that I will meet a girl and we will connect, first mentally and then physically. If this happens in one night, then that is the way it will be. But I will not go out just for the intention of getting laid, and this somehow puts me at a disadvantage.
So while I am changing, as I believe for the better every day, I still have a long way to go. I still need to be able to talk to a girl that I like. I still need to learn to flirt; be comfortable with myself and not worry about what I am about to say. Learn to be the aggressor when it comes to dating and quit waiting for a girl I like to make a pass at me, and hope that I notice. Changing.
Actually scratch that. I don't know what kind of girl I want. I know what kind of girls I want. I am strongly attracted to quite a few different types of girls, generally the same body type but not always. One of the ways I have changed the most is that I am attracted to more than one girl at a time now, or more specifically I don't focus on just one girl to like. I am still a faithful person, I would never cheat on anyone, but I no longer aim all my affection to one person.
I believe that I used to do this as a way to protect myself from getting hurt. I have always fallen for girls I couldn't have, either because they were already taken or because I didn't think they would ever go for a guy like me. In college, I only really liked two girls. Thought quite a few more extremely cute but nothing that would cause heart break. The first I was in love with for at least a summer, but she had an out of state boyfriend and I had low self esteem. She was my motivation to really start working out, with a purpose, not just because I thought I should. And she still motivates me to this day. I still wonder what If I had started working out and taking care of my body in High School rather than freshman year of college. What If I had been 60 pounds lighter then rather than now?
Even though I am lighter now, I still have low self esteem. I still have about 40 pounds to drop till I am at the 'healthy' weight. I am extremely healthy, I eat right, work out at least 5 times a week. Serious workouts too, long runs and a trainer who kicks my ass! But that still doesn't make me not feel like I have more changing to do. I am running, literally, to be a person that I want to be, and have been working for for since I was a college sophomore.
So physically, I have changed to, well, lets say 60% of who I want to be. Musically, I have started to go to more and more concerts, and am going to be going to Bonnaroo alone in a few months. I am sort of turning into a hipster, but I am finding it hard. I don't want to label myself a hipster, because I don't want to lock myself down into a stereotype. I like a lot of hipster things. I also like a lot of punk and European things. I like fashion and I like Irish rock. I find both the high school sweetheart and the tattooed up suicide girl extremely beautiful, and not just in a lustful way.
My friends say, how did they put it, I should "take the pussy off the pedestal." While I am a virgin, I don't really find anything wrong with it. I might have sex before I marry, I might not. I fantasize that I will meet a girl and we will connect, first mentally and then physically. If this happens in one night, then that is the way it will be. But I will not go out just for the intention of getting laid, and this somehow puts me at a disadvantage.
So while I am changing, as I believe for the better every day, I still have a long way to go. I still need to be able to talk to a girl that I like. I still need to learn to flirt; be comfortable with myself and not worry about what I am about to say. Learn to be the aggressor when it comes to dating and quit waiting for a girl I like to make a pass at me, and hope that I notice. Changing.