jnthn

not for you.
most of the time it is, but this is basically journalsville, getting it down so it's not occupying the space in my brain where it stunk and rotted all day as I drove around. the bottled up stress-case, me, major aquarian style. I have my A-B and C of what I need/do under this situation. comes all to a head. I hate hospitals. I hate bad news in hospitals. I hate uncertainty. I hate getting runarounds with regard to people's health, with regards to huge sums of money owed me, I hate uncertainty of where I stand in it all and I just
fucking
want
to
dismantle
everything
around me
NOW!
I totally want to break shit and break shit and yet as I write this I swear my heart is beating slowly and my skin is just barely warm. feels so.
but I can't decide if I want to be like this and just be the buddah again or whether I just want to continue and go further and further away. Feel strung out. But I'm not, but I wish I was if only for the excuse of a reason to feel this way.

Whatever. I feel a little better. I feel stupid.
I feel numb, but intensely so. I feel stupid for wanting something. I feel stupid for...for a second being stuck stuck stuck and so far away from the beautiful sunset (no camera) I saw today. Like...the best sunset ever, except I saw it from the hospital as they plugged in a new IV with something said about seeing about tomorrow. Want to be near my family and be part of the home base, but right now I really really really just want retreat. And I still feel stupid for wanting .... for wanting someone to just let me off the fucking hook for one fucking fucking fucking second. FUCK!