jnthn

today goes in the trash despite the sunset over Georgia, the beautiful border b/w SC and GA that I love.

All was well until total traffic jam 60 miles outside ATL. We went backroads for about 3 hours to get there. Late, the show sounded shitty to me, but to the crowd, whatever. Oh yeah, I didn't drink a lick of coffee all day and that, well, complaints, it's late and I'm not about dragging you nice people through it.

I got a shoulder rub for 35 seconds by a pro, my first. I drank some Makers given to me by the husky-voiced lady, ummm....

So the deal: the two loves of my life had something to do w/GA. My first was puppy love. She said she'd come down and didn't show. Not a big deal. The second was the EX and will forever maintain a certain amount of real estate in my heart. The last time I was in this club in ATL, she had driven up to see me, having spent the day hiding at work, confused and scared cause her husband (we had an affair, they were on their way to a divorce) had beat her up...it was SO FUCKING INTENSE then. We got drunk together there, we held eachother for hours except when I had to do the show, she got sick, I helped her, we stayed in a hotel, it was sweet, scary. I miss her. We can't be together, we can't talk. It's intense. So I wanna be as far from fucking there as possible. Like NOW.

I'm reminded of what she said the last time we talked a few months ago, about how it's too hard to be friends, too tempting to get back when we know we can't be, and that I should MOVE ON. Man, I want to, but my life is fucked. I am all over the place with this life...I know moving on will require some void filled...love...whatever. It's a long story, but what do you do when you've spent your entire adult life striving for some very specific things and achieving them step by step and realize that the further you go, the more people you know, at this point, worldwide, and yet, the balance never seems to work out where there's that someone who can tolerate the uncertainty, the hectic, manic pace of this very odd job/jobs I have that sends me here and there, one step at a time getting more "there." I dunno.

the words are flowing, I really don't know where I'm going with this. maybe inspired by Now's extra-long entry...I've had too much time to think these last few days.

But at the same time, I can back away, like I am after saying all that, and know that I'll never settle for anything less then what I want. If it means being alone then so be it. That will be my story. But I know I'll be in love again, maybe a few times, and for whatever reason, they will have to be right. I've been in that good spot before and certain unchangeable things stood in the way.

so, sorry for being a bummer. these next few days are full of bleak drives and early wake-ups and it's almost over, back to DC.

xo to all.