jessikah

So, a part of the first step is always talking, right?

Anxiety and panic disorders. Big ones. When I was younger I was able to keep the shit in check with only a bit of flareup. Now its horridly worst over the years. Mornings are hardest. Most mornings I'm talking myself down from hysteria, on the inside.

I cry, I break down. Pretty much always fucking terrified. I understand I don't do this to myself but it is my decision to stay off the meds. I almost didn't stay alive the last time I tried meds.

I'm always in emotional/mental pain. But I try very very hard to be a normal person.

My Dad had the same issues and killed himself when i was 17 and he was 43. I turn 30 in a few weeks. I'm scared. I don't want to go crazy.

For some reason the mornings are always very manic.

so, uhm, yeah, big parts of why I'm never around. Trying to put on a brave face. Trying to have a normal life. Simple suits me just fine.

I'm going to try and keep up with blogging, it seems to help a little. I know reading my shit is very depressing, but it helps me get it all out of my mind and my body.

Thank you very very very very very very VERY much for all the kind responses. I'm a constant work in progress.