So, I made alot of drastic changes in my life tonight. I decided to quit work and have a seperation with my girlfriend. I weighed out the pros and cons, not carefully though. I just know that to keep sane, I had to do both. Both were making me unhappy. I didnt think that they were, but it all came clear like an appifany. So now I am relieved yet worried. Worried about whether or not I made the right decision. I worry that Im fucking up a job that I have had for a long time and I get paid ok at. Im worried that Im fucking up a relationship that I've put all of my heart in, and have made plans to stay with. But, in both cases, no matter how hard I try, or how much I dont fuck up, I can never seem to make things work right. I can be the best worker or lover possible and I will never feel appreciated. Mostly I just want to get back as much as I put in. My boss has fucked me over many ways, for a long time. That's kinda whatever at the moment though. My girlfriend is the main topic. First of all, we cant communicate if our lives depended on it. She doesnt talk. When she does talk, she talks like she is being interrogated, and uses short answers or bullshit ones to end the conversation as quick as possible. I ask her for only 2 things. To talk to me and reasure me. She is queen of avoiding things. I cant get over things unless I work them out. So, needless to say, we never resolve a fucking thing. I just live with it. She ignores it. I guess Im fucking tired of living with this burdon on my shoulders. The next thing that is wrong is that I dont trust her. I want to not worry, but she makes that impossible. I judge people by there actions, not their words. Her actions are not speaking well for her. And she has nothing to say... so there arent even any words to combat her actions. I've tried VERY hard since I have been back to make her happy. From spending all of my free time with her, to bringing her food at her work, to doing anything that would relieve her stress and make her happy. Well, after you put that much into a person and dont get shit back then you feel like shit. Which is how I feel right now. Today I looked at her from across the show, and saw how she smiled so much and laughed and had fun. It made me happy at first, then sad when I realized that she isnt like that with me anymore. I saw as she flirted and sat on laps and kissed others with a sense of fun the way she use to with me. Lately I feel like nomatter how much I try, she just doesnt want me anymore. The last few months, she gets more sexually aroused around others when she drinks, and ignores me more. After putting so much time, love, and effort into this it makes me sick that this is how things are going. They have been headed in this direction for about 3-4 months now. That's half of our relationship. There was allways an excuse that she has for this, but it's been too long and the excuses are fucking worn out. How can you go forward in a relationship that's moving backwards? If two people are meant to be together then why wouldnt things get better or change? I dont think that she is attracted to me anymore, or at least not nearly how she use to be. And if she really loved me that much, wouldnt her actions be different than they are? How can she deny everything that Im saying when her actions are living proof that this is the fact? Well, I cant change shit now, and Im done trying to accomodate for other people's comfort, pleasure, or what the fuck ever else they want from me. So, I'll be heartbroken, but the weight will be lifted and things will change one way or the other. 
