Hypocrites make me annoyed, especially when they don't realize they are. Denial is a powerful damn tool, let me tell you.
With that in mind, I went on a quest to make myself laugh, and I came across this list of ten things guys don't want to hear. My view is also stated. Part of it I am joking.. Part of it I am damn serious.
Kemper there is a picture at the bottom for you.
1) "That looks cute."
For the most part, men hate cute. We don't want to hear about it, we don't want to see it, and we sure as hell don't want to be it. If we come down stairs after getting dressed and you tell us we look cute, there's a 100 percent chance we're changing. We're supposed to be your protector, your rock, and cute does not fit into that picture.
MY VIEW: I'm not cute. Cute is what you say about a hot girl's ass, not some fucking ugly lanky guy like me. cute is a puppy. Why not just take my balls and put them in a jar? I don't want to be the cute sweet guy, I want to be the sexy bad ass you wanna go down on.
2) "We need to talk."
These four words shut off a man's brain faster than long division. When men hear you say that they immediately go into flight mode. And anything they can do to get out of this conversation and better yet, your apartment they will. There are plenty of other ways to approach a delicate conversation, and getting us in a place where we feel comfortable is a good start.
MY VIEW: Why not just say you got a fucking problem with me, so are you ready to throw down? Quit hiding behind this phrase, thinking we can revolve things with a mature conversation of how I keep leaving the toilet seat up. It's gonna stay up. End of story. Now give me a beer.
3) "It's just a game."
Actually, it's not just a game. Sports are a major part of our lives and the outcome has as much to do with our mood as just about anything else. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Is it immature? Maybe. But it's life. Sometimes we just care too much. We understand that it doesn't make sense, but you should be happy that we're that passionate about something. Telling us that "it's just a game" is like us telling you that Oprah's just a talk show host.
MY VIEW: Just a game huh? Okay, your ass is just fat, no big deal, right?
4) "nothings wrong."
Please don't tell us nothings wrong. The look on your face could make the toughest guy on the planet weep like a third-grade girl and your arms are crossed so tight you might explode. We're not mind readers; tell us what's going on. And don't make us guess because believe me you won't like what we come up with.
MY VIEW: Fine. Nothing is wrong. Quit giving me that look, quit huffing around, and give me a damn beer.
5) "I sound like my mom."
The mere fact that you might turn into your mom someday scares the hell out of us. Don't say it, even in jest, it's not funny. We actually believe (and pray) that the saying "every woman ends up looking like their mother" is an old wives' tale. If we didn't, no one would ever get married.
MY VIEW: This is just creepy. Unless your mom is a MILF. Then it is okay.
6) "I just want to be friends."
No you don't. You just want us to stop calling you. This is a lot like pulling off a band-aid. Do it quick don't prolong the agony. Most of us take "I just want to be friends" as "There's still a chance," so if there isn't just make it a clean break and move on. Everyone will be much better because of it.
MY VIEW: THIS ONE PISSES ME OFF!!! As I am the guy who is "the buddy", I get to hear you talk about ALLL your guy problems while I'm home alone looking at porn. If I was your buddy you'd hook me up with your hot slut friend, and quit cockteasing me by telling me your sex stories. This one goes kinda hand in hand once again with, "you're sweet".....Sweet does not get the girl. Sweet gets you a hug right before she goes and bangs the other guy who treats her like shit, then she complains she can't find a good man.
7) "Size doesn't matter."
Don't lie to us. We know it does, and we're doing our best to make up for it in other ways. It's best just to not say anything at all.
MY VIEW: I don't care, I got a nice dick and I know it.
8) "What are you wearing?"
We're wearing whatever's clean or whatever you tell us to. We don't plan out our wardrobe days in advance, but we do actually try and look presentable. It may not work a lot of the time, but we do give it a shot. Giving us direction is completely encouraged though, so go ahead and suggest nicely.
MY VIEW: I am wearing whatever I reached in and grabbed. I am not a fashion model, therefore I am not paid to give a crap what I am wearing.
9) "Do you think she's pretty?"
Of course we do, our standards are much lower than yours. But just because we check her out doesn't mean we think any less of you. We try to be as discreet as possible, but for the most part, we can't help it. It's in our DNA. When an attractive woman walks by, it's best to just pretend nothing happened.
MY VIEW: YES I DO. And if you really cared you would go up to her and get her to have a threesome with us.
10) "Which outfit do you like better?"
I'm going to be honest here 90 percent of the guys out there are not going to tell you which outfit they like better: They're going to try to pick the one you like better and not get into a holy war when the babysitter is due any minute. To us, you always look good. Getting a couple cocktails and spending as much time as we can without the kids is our ultimate goal for a rare night out.
MY VIEW: Any that gives me easy access, and keeps your puppies from peeking out, so I don't have to spend my night fighting off guys you are secretly fucking behind my back with a baseball bat.
Picture for Kemper
With that in mind, I went on a quest to make myself laugh, and I came across this list of ten things guys don't want to hear. My view is also stated. Part of it I am joking.. Part of it I am damn serious.
Kemper there is a picture at the bottom for you.
1) "That looks cute."
For the most part, men hate cute. We don't want to hear about it, we don't want to see it, and we sure as hell don't want to be it. If we come down stairs after getting dressed and you tell us we look cute, there's a 100 percent chance we're changing. We're supposed to be your protector, your rock, and cute does not fit into that picture.
MY VIEW: I'm not cute. Cute is what you say about a hot girl's ass, not some fucking ugly lanky guy like me. cute is a puppy. Why not just take my balls and put them in a jar? I don't want to be the cute sweet guy, I want to be the sexy bad ass you wanna go down on.
2) "We need to talk."
These four words shut off a man's brain faster than long division. When men hear you say that they immediately go into flight mode. And anything they can do to get out of this conversation and better yet, your apartment they will. There are plenty of other ways to approach a delicate conversation, and getting us in a place where we feel comfortable is a good start.
MY VIEW: Why not just say you got a fucking problem with me, so are you ready to throw down? Quit hiding behind this phrase, thinking we can revolve things with a mature conversation of how I keep leaving the toilet seat up. It's gonna stay up. End of story. Now give me a beer.
3) "It's just a game."
Actually, it's not just a game. Sports are a major part of our lives and the outcome has as much to do with our mood as just about anything else. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Is it immature? Maybe. But it's life. Sometimes we just care too much. We understand that it doesn't make sense, but you should be happy that we're that passionate about something. Telling us that "it's just a game" is like us telling you that Oprah's just a talk show host.
MY VIEW: Just a game huh? Okay, your ass is just fat, no big deal, right?
4) "nothings wrong."
Please don't tell us nothings wrong. The look on your face could make the toughest guy on the planet weep like a third-grade girl and your arms are crossed so tight you might explode. We're not mind readers; tell us what's going on. And don't make us guess because believe me you won't like what we come up with.
MY VIEW: Fine. Nothing is wrong. Quit giving me that look, quit huffing around, and give me a damn beer.
5) "I sound like my mom."
The mere fact that you might turn into your mom someday scares the hell out of us. Don't say it, even in jest, it's not funny. We actually believe (and pray) that the saying "every woman ends up looking like their mother" is an old wives' tale. If we didn't, no one would ever get married.
MY VIEW: This is just creepy. Unless your mom is a MILF. Then it is okay.
6) "I just want to be friends."
No you don't. You just want us to stop calling you. This is a lot like pulling off a band-aid. Do it quick don't prolong the agony. Most of us take "I just want to be friends" as "There's still a chance," so if there isn't just make it a clean break and move on. Everyone will be much better because of it.
MY VIEW: THIS ONE PISSES ME OFF!!! As I am the guy who is "the buddy", I get to hear you talk about ALLL your guy problems while I'm home alone looking at porn. If I was your buddy you'd hook me up with your hot slut friend, and quit cockteasing me by telling me your sex stories. This one goes kinda hand in hand once again with, "you're sweet".....Sweet does not get the girl. Sweet gets you a hug right before she goes and bangs the other guy who treats her like shit, then she complains she can't find a good man.
7) "Size doesn't matter."
Don't lie to us. We know it does, and we're doing our best to make up for it in other ways. It's best just to not say anything at all.
MY VIEW: I don't care, I got a nice dick and I know it.
8) "What are you wearing?"
We're wearing whatever's clean or whatever you tell us to. We don't plan out our wardrobe days in advance, but we do actually try and look presentable. It may not work a lot of the time, but we do give it a shot. Giving us direction is completely encouraged though, so go ahead and suggest nicely.
MY VIEW: I am wearing whatever I reached in and grabbed. I am not a fashion model, therefore I am not paid to give a crap what I am wearing.
9) "Do you think she's pretty?"
Of course we do, our standards are much lower than yours. But just because we check her out doesn't mean we think any less of you. We try to be as discreet as possible, but for the most part, we can't help it. It's in our DNA. When an attractive woman walks by, it's best to just pretend nothing happened.
MY VIEW: YES I DO. And if you really cared you would go up to her and get her to have a threesome with us.
10) "Which outfit do you like better?"
I'm going to be honest here 90 percent of the guys out there are not going to tell you which outfit they like better: They're going to try to pick the one you like better and not get into a holy war when the babysitter is due any minute. To us, you always look good. Getting a couple cocktails and spending as much time as we can without the kids is our ultimate goal for a rare night out.
MY VIEW: Any that gives me easy access, and keeps your puppies from peeking out, so I don't have to spend my night fighting off guys you are secretly fucking behind my back with a baseball bat.
Picture for Kemper
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
thora:
Get your own porn (if you can, I mean...)! 
lee:
Hehe, the comic made me laugh.