jaybugg

Many people have come and gone to Iraq, though few I doubt sought some sort of shedding of their current skin.

By that I fully intend to come back, with the person you know as the current Jason, dead and gone. If that is a better or worse thing, much less an accurate statement, I am not sure.

In my life I have clung to the happiness of people in my life, tore apart almost any of my own, and considered moments of levity fleeting and at times pointless, even though it is human nature to pursue such moments.

I have been abandoned and used at a toy of circumstance, and I have betrayed myself by succumbing to others betrayal. I feed of my bitterness to give me fuel to break down then rise over what has defeated me before.

I question everything, and assume most of everything is a random fleeting thing; people, stories, joy, sadness is all temporary. That said it is often a trial when supposedly "constants" become variables and come and go. I am used to be unsettled, and I prefer to go in knowing I will be unsettled, I dislike being blindsided.

Such is life. But doesn't mean you have to enjoy it, much less tolerate it.

I think I have done just that far too long.

I go with the hope I face death and see what the value is to buy my life.

I do not wish to be this poisoned wretched creature I see in the mirror.

I will always have a part of it with me, as it is who I am, but I am certain I can dig out most of the sick parts and find something I bit more worthwhile.

I intend to remake it into my life, my terms. If you are in it, I won't do this "only by convenience" deal that I have seen.

I do not say everyone is to blame much less make that statement without pointing the finger at myself. I have been at fault in more things I care to remember. Thankfully I see regret as a tool to learn, if you can not regret something, then you are shedding all guilt and mistakes you have done. The key is not to dwell in regret. Use it, embrace it, learn from it and move on.

I love the romanticism that comes with writing psychological and sociological observations, the highlight being when I choose to reflect what is inside me.

How many can truly do that? To look inside themselves and see both sides of the coin and evaluate it all objectively?

I go well beyond skin deep with most people and moments. I tend to have an inquisitive nature to break things down as far as I can, and sometimes it isn't good, but for the most part it has served me well, my paranoia mixed with instinct and ability to read beyond what is shown before my eyes.

I watch what are normally facts of life, things that people let happen because it is expected to happen(I include myself in this) and it sickens me that none of us change the events which shouldn't happen.

I have a tick. I constantly fight myself. One minute I feel hopeful and set myself to goals or reasonable desires to achieve. The next minute I want to have my hand in helping the world burn to ash and dust and take every disgusting thing with it.

I know I ramble. I enjoy just going with a flow of thought and letting it slip into uncomfortable emotions and ideas and memories.

I need my chaos, I need my puzzles, and I need my self worth.