jaybugg

As I have no real beginning to this I will just start going into why again I must go to Iraq, at least briefly again for those who haven't read before.
I feel the need to go with this particular job I am applying for as I know it will have a direct effect upon the people there, and to help them. I do not give a damn of politics. As much as I can not stand humanity half the time I do believe there is hope, and that is what my fellow men and women are trying to give. I know I can finally make a difference that means more than my own life.
Second, for myself I need to see if I am more than what I am now. I have to put my self into a vulnerable, chaotic, stressful, rewarding, environment free of distraction and options. I need to be alone from family and friends, and concentrate on myself.
Third is my feeling of the conflict and fight. Honor, Death. If it is given to me I have it on my terms, not because of a car wreck or mugging or something as menial. If I survive(which I have every intention to,mind you) I can look back and know I was willing to sacrifice myself for something.
Fourth....Money. Enough said.
Fifth.... How many I wonder will be around when I return. Certain people I know beyond a doubt, and those people will be taken care of if I don't come back, via my friend Dan in Ohio, whom will be the primary receiver of my life insurance. Yes, it is selfish to want to see who will stand by me, But know I have given up so much, some of it I will write of in a moment, for people, and I usually do not receive a fair return. I love those in my life but sad fact is with most of them, I know you will not be remembering me far from now. I as said am an apparition. A ghost around for matters of convenience.

Let's face facts, relationships on any level are an obligation, as well as give and take. That is what friendships and what not are built upon. SO let me be a asshole and ask what have I given, and what have I received from you? Don't take that as I don't want to be friends if you are reading that, it's just an honest question. and if you aren't bothering to read it then we probably aren't close anyways.

I am astounded with how dualistic my nature is. I can adapt, but I hate change. I despise the depravity of humans, yet I enjoy the simple physical and mental pleasures in life. I enjoy self destructing, yet use every ounce of will to better myself through it. I believe in hope, I have little. I believe in love, but refuse to take any easily. I believe in myself, and I believe I will fail as often as I will succeed. I embrace happy moments only to delve into my hurt and sickness of things later. A psychologist put it best for me after extensive testing on my mental status to see if I needed medication(to which they couldn't give for this reason) : " You have base traces of several disorders it seems, schizophrenia, bi-polar, manic depressive, ADHD, paranoia, narcissism, and self defeating personality. You have it all and have nothing, if that makes sense." ...And oh how it did.

I am an existentialist.

I do not feel life is some horrible thing, quite the opposite.

I do feel life however is more expressed and drawn out by chaos and misery more so than stability and happiness.

I am empathetic.

I am intolerant.

I question everything including be it others, their motives or my own, and life and death.

My Japanese tattoos translated: "Pain", "I walk alone", and "Honorable Death"

I know I need to fix this sickness inside of me... But I am more terrified by what would become of me afterwards. Moments of levity and smiles can hurt too much nowadays. Better to live in what is uncomfortable and familiar.

I truly wish a feeling towards someone would die away. They are juvenile and irrelevant to what is ahead.

Now. If you made it this far. I will share a story. If this does not give you insight into my fears of love, or companionship, I do not know what will. Harlot girlfriends happen, and even the occasional feeling of them can sting years later. But this goes deep than they can cut into you(man did that sound emo.)

When I was 16 I met a girl who lives about an hour away named Ambyr. We quickly became good friends, exchanging phone calls and letters, gifts for birthdays and holidays. She was the closest thing I had at that point to a real girlfriend(at this time I had those lil week long flings or dates, nothing until I was late 17) We even said I love you on the phone. I even got her Fred Durst's autograph.(he is a dick) she is the only person I know personally who could beat the snot out of me in Smash Bros. The day we hung out and she stole my black KoRn hat and put it on her head and said she was keeping it, I can not help but smile or forget.
As it went on, anytime I had a girlfriend, she was single, anytime I was single she had a boyfriend. One night she later revealed to me she was literally about to ask me out until I mentioned my day, where I asked a girl out.
She wrote me when I was in basic training, my only friend to do so. While I was in basic training and in technical training school learning my job, her boyfriend and her got pregnant, but the egg got caught in her tube and she had to have surgery to remove it, which he stuck with her through it(kudos to him) However, as I was getting ready to come home for Christmas vacation, she told him how we used to like each other, and that I would be visiting. His ultimatum, we stop speaking of he leaves.
I received an email from her the night I came home, in perfect format explaining this. It took me all of 20 seconds to decide along with her to stay with him. I heard from her a couple times the following two year, mostly to say she had a beautiful baby girl named Gabrielle , and that she was well.

I hope in my heart she has forgotten about me in every factor though I refuse to do so. That is the only time I have loved a girl/woman beyond just a good companion. I will not do it again by ardent choice.