Last night I had a dream. I won't go into it much but I awoke with a massive sickness in my stomach and a feeling of overwhelming anxiety to the point I threw up.
It included many of people I know or have known, and places I lived. Now I have this overwhelming urge to leave and not come back until I fly out, and go where no one knows me, as in the dream I was tormented by insecuirties and being used again and again by people I thought I trusted, and oddly they were represented by people who HAD used me, and I despise with an utmost passion. It's very sickening when you are on the edge with something/someone, and they look like an person of the past, but you know its them, and they do the same things that person did, treating you like a whore. I seem to have this feeling that I am temporary with everyone, and its compounded by the fact no one is even here to spend this time with me. More so in the fact I have no where to hide, even if I have nothing to hide from except myself. I came to relize my mother is clinging to me more for the fact my brother despises all of us, and my dad is seeing someone else. I am a matter of convience...Again. I am everyone's little fucking playtoy until they find someone more convient to talk to or be with.
Iv'e treated my self to legal drugs to lessen the puking and shaking all fucking day, and they have yet to take effect. I tried splurging a bit and buying a few cds, and driving but the heat made me even more nauseated.
So I ask this. Actually Demand to know. Where do I stand with you? Mind you that's mostly rhetorical however I am partially curious, b/c I am frankly sick of taking my time for things (ie spending $1000 to come home for a possibly dramatic/traumatic vacation)
It included many of people I know or have known, and places I lived. Now I have this overwhelming urge to leave and not come back until I fly out, and go where no one knows me, as in the dream I was tormented by insecuirties and being used again and again by people I thought I trusted, and oddly they were represented by people who HAD used me, and I despise with an utmost passion. It's very sickening when you are on the edge with something/someone, and they look like an person of the past, but you know its them, and they do the same things that person did, treating you like a whore. I seem to have this feeling that I am temporary with everyone, and its compounded by the fact no one is even here to spend this time with me. More so in the fact I have no where to hide, even if I have nothing to hide from except myself. I came to relize my mother is clinging to me more for the fact my brother despises all of us, and my dad is seeing someone else. I am a matter of convience...Again. I am everyone's little fucking playtoy until they find someone more convient to talk to or be with.
Iv'e treated my self to legal drugs to lessen the puking and shaking all fucking day, and they have yet to take effect. I tried splurging a bit and buying a few cds, and driving but the heat made me even more nauseated.
So I ask this. Actually Demand to know. Where do I stand with you? Mind you that's mostly rhetorical however I am partially curious, b/c I am frankly sick of taking my time for things (ie spending $1000 to come home for a possibly dramatic/traumatic vacation)