Here I am ready for bed but I feel the need to write out some stuff first. This site has kind of become my safe place. I tried to journal but that got scary, I went too deep and brought up more than I should. I brought things that I worked so hard to keep down. This is safer because others will read it.
Recently I was told to "fake it until I make it" Sweet Jesus, what if I never make it? Now to be fair I was told to do this in one part of my life and I did not have to fake it long. I started thinking though how often am I really faking it? I mean in everything? When will I be strong enough to just be like "this is me mother fucker!" Last week I went with two ladies to town. Now this is SMALL town. Four major things happened for me that night.
1- I was told I should be a pin up model and that it's a wonder my husband can keep his hands off me and all I could think was " I'am not enough for him" why is that?
2- I on purpose made sexy eye contact with a complete stranger who was walking by and I smiled and waved first causing him to turn and wave back.
3- I on purpose rubbed my hand across someone else's while getting my wine and watched him blush.
4-I paid for everyone's drinks with my cash Big deal for me. Usually I have to say "no, I do not have the money" and someone feels bad and pays but not this time!! This time I was like "I got it don't worry about it." Now what sucks is that was cash I was saving to get my hair done lol
5-this one will sound so silly because you all do not know me that well. I once again had no intentions of contacting my husband but I did. I texted updates. I called to see if I could go the pub. I wanted to not do that, I wanted to be the women in the group who made her own decisions.Not this time. The struggle is real.
I feel on number 5 I should clarify my husband is not abusive. I just made a choice for so long to follow and obey and sometimes I wonder if I can even do it on my own.
