You think you know your audience until you find out otherwise. Broadcasting my thoughts on the internet isn't terribly private but somehow it feels like it... as if only someone exclusive community of readers can see what I say... but of course, this isn't true... Maybe I need to put on some filters...
I'm very nauseous this morning...
How nice. For no reason, either. I'm trying to remedy this by eating a fudgesicle or whatever these are called... frozen chocolate ice bar thingie. Extremely nutritious.
I've been mostly happy recently which is making me awfully nervous. Every time things have gone right for me, something terrible happens. My grandfather lived with my family when I was a teenager, and the night he died (he died suddenly, and at home) I had written a long journal entry about finally feeling happy and good, and not feeling like I was living in the bowels of hell. When I woke up in the middle of the night to my mother in screaming hysterics, everything changed, instantly.
It was similar the day that I found out my cousin had been murdered. I had literally written a list that morning of everything I was looking forward to for summer. Goals, aspirations, plans. It was a beautiful day. I was dressed up and about to take a long bike ride and book a tattoo appointment. The world fucking ended that beautiful day, and I don't think I'll ever be able to shake the shock.
That isn't to say that I will ever let sadness take over my life. I don't believe you can ever heal if you don't look forward and you don't put on a smile, and you don't continue to search for joy, even in your darkest times.
I have experience a lot of loss in the last few years, the death of friends and family members of my friends; some extremely fucked up things have happened, several murders, a suicide, and too many untimely deaths
but this is part of what happens when you are part of a big circle of people...
But FUCK being happy makes me SO NERVOUS.........
Work has been ok lately; I've been making good money and have been able to get ahead on my bills and indulge a little bit... Bought some new clothes and great shoes... Will be getting tattooed in a few weeks, something small in memory of Luke (its been almost a year since he was killed), but shortly after that, I plan on getting some serious work done. I've discussed this here before, so I won't go into details now...
My mom and I are also thinking of taking a trip together. My dad and my brothers are taking a cross-country road trip, and we weren't invited (probably for the best!
) so we were thinking of going away for a few days... I think we would have just the most hilarious time...
School is tough right now.... A lot of work and no goddamn time to do any of it... I'm busting my ass, for real. And my brain. I still am fucked up over my major, and I'm in massive student loan debt... but I'm not too worried... I'll make it work somehow, I always do.
I miss my cat like mad.
I lost another 2 lbs. wtf. I'm naturally petite but I'm not skinny, I'm not built that way, but shit, I have to really fight to keep weight on, as no matter how much I eat, it seems I always end up losing weight, trying really hard to gain some back, and then losing it again. Maybe I shouldn't be complaining?
Uhhhhmmmm what else....
I can't imagine anyone is still reading this, esp. with no photos....
I've been writing songs. I wish I wanted to perform or play with a band, I've got so so many songs stockpiled, but they'll always be just for me, I guess.
I'm very nauseous this morning...
How nice. For no reason, either. I'm trying to remedy this by eating a fudgesicle or whatever these are called... frozen chocolate ice bar thingie. Extremely nutritious.
I've been mostly happy recently which is making me awfully nervous. Every time things have gone right for me, something terrible happens. My grandfather lived with my family when I was a teenager, and the night he died (he died suddenly, and at home) I had written a long journal entry about finally feeling happy and good, and not feeling like I was living in the bowels of hell. When I woke up in the middle of the night to my mother in screaming hysterics, everything changed, instantly.
It was similar the day that I found out my cousin had been murdered. I had literally written a list that morning of everything I was looking forward to for summer. Goals, aspirations, plans. It was a beautiful day. I was dressed up and about to take a long bike ride and book a tattoo appointment. The world fucking ended that beautiful day, and I don't think I'll ever be able to shake the shock.
That isn't to say that I will ever let sadness take over my life. I don't believe you can ever heal if you don't look forward and you don't put on a smile, and you don't continue to search for joy, even in your darkest times.
I have experience a lot of loss in the last few years, the death of friends and family members of my friends; some extremely fucked up things have happened, several murders, a suicide, and too many untimely deaths
but this is part of what happens when you are part of a big circle of people...
But FUCK being happy makes me SO NERVOUS.........
Work has been ok lately; I've been making good money and have been able to get ahead on my bills and indulge a little bit... Bought some new clothes and great shoes... Will be getting tattooed in a few weeks, something small in memory of Luke (its been almost a year since he was killed), but shortly after that, I plan on getting some serious work done. I've discussed this here before, so I won't go into details now...
My mom and I are also thinking of taking a trip together. My dad and my brothers are taking a cross-country road trip, and we weren't invited (probably for the best!
) so we were thinking of going away for a few days... I think we would have just the most hilarious time...
School is tough right now.... A lot of work and no goddamn time to do any of it... I'm busting my ass, for real. And my brain. I still am fucked up over my major, and I'm in massive student loan debt... but I'm not too worried... I'll make it work somehow, I always do.
I miss my cat like mad.
I lost another 2 lbs. wtf. I'm naturally petite but I'm not skinny, I'm not built that way, but shit, I have to really fight to keep weight on, as no matter how much I eat, it seems I always end up losing weight, trying really hard to gain some back, and then losing it again. Maybe I shouldn't be complaining?
Uhhhhmmmm what else....
I can't imagine anyone is still reading this, esp. with no photos....
I've been writing songs. I wish I wanted to perform or play with a band, I've got so so many songs stockpiled, but they'll always be just for me, I guess.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Don't fear being happy ok.
Hope you and your mom do have the chance to get away for a bit. It always seems like there will be plenty of time for that sort of thing, but it's likely to be more difficult after you graduate. Figure out something inexpensive and go have fun together.
The thing that really annoys me with the Photoshopping is that even when most of the image is left relatively intact, it's becoming common practice to heavily Photoshop the face, creating a sort of mask. I don't have a problem with someone smoothing over a blemish or two, but that's not what's happening. Even the very best photographers are doing it now, presumably because they don't think they have a choice. It's ruined some otherwise wonderful sets for me.
Very excited to hear you're writing songs. If they're good, you shouldn't have much trouble forming a band. Songwriting is the musical skill that's rarest and in the highest demand. Make us some solo demos!