jackrabbit_

I remember stating how large my heart is, and it truly is. I am a loving and caring person. It kills me when someone I care about hurts, especially if I have caused it somehow. I would never intentionally hurt someone, I'm not that person. I honestly hate knowing that I have made someone cry or made them sad. It sucks even more when I see it happening or in their face. To be told by someone that they can feel their heart breaking, and being the cause of that, is such a horrible feeling.

I pride myself in being brutally honest-sometimes to a fault. I've had many people lie to me in my life, friendships end and relationships end, all because someone couldn't understand or handle the real truth. I guess they only hear what they want to, not what is real, and that just isn't me.

Trust is a big deal for me. If I can't trust you, how can we have any type of relationship? My first marriage taught me a lot about myself, and a lot about what I didn't want in someone. I was abused, told I was ugly, threatened with divorce constantly, even hit, but the biggest thing that I remember from it all was that he cheated. I don't even know how many times, but once is enough. In my mind, my way of thinking, I don't understand why or how someone can do that to a person they care about. To me, the logical thing to do is to leave the person before that happens. It is one thing that is a deal breaker for me because if you cheated once, you are likely to do it again. In my experience, that is the way it goes, and nothing-not love, lust or anything else-will change that.

I do feel horrible for hurting someone I care about, but these are my real feelings. It's not easy to say that, but it is the truth and I don't lie. I tear up thinking about the pain I may cause, have caused, and it kills me because I hate it when someone hurts. I hope I am not hated.