jackrabbit_

Another day, another night with little to no sleep. I know it's not good for my body to not rest, but when I do actually sleep I feel so tired. Nothing helps and when I do finally pass out it's from exhaustion. Lucky me that can't even use sleeping pills to sleep. Years of this gets to me.....makes me sad, even when I don't want to be. Sometimes I cry because I'm so frustrated and mad. I wonder what I did to deserve such punishment? I know others suffer much more, and I remind myself of that because self pity makes me angry, but sometimes it's hard to turn it off.
There are things that are great in my life, and I am fortunate it that. It's like I need a change of scenery. A new life. A new love. A new everything. Yes, that sounds horrible, but at the end of the day, I need and long to be truly happy. That longing never leaves me. I have been happy before, and it was wonderful, but time changes things-changes people. Not feeling wanted, not having passion, not seeing the feeling of someone in love with me are all things that I miss....and things that don't just come back. You get used to it, and you become numb. Every day is mechanical. I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't live a life like that. I refuse to live like that. So what do I do? I am changing it. Rising above it. I've found what I need and I'm going to it. It may take some time, but I WILL get there and be happy again. I will feel alive. My heart is so big with so much love to give, and I want to give it. These things are what keeps me sane, keeps me going. I'm too stubborn to just settle. I don't think anyone should settle-it's not fair to them or anyone else. Fear will not stop me from going after what I want and fighting for it.
No, this isn't a blog about what I DON'T have....it's about what I will have. It's about what I want and will get. Patience is a virtue I am working on. So when you see me smile, know it is genuine because I know what I want and that I will get it. Perhaps I already have it partially. These are the things that drive me. These are the things that will keep me going strong. If you know me, you know my stubbornness and passion drive me. Nothing will stop me.

XOXO