I really love the SG community. It really feels like a place where it's ok to be different. So, I'm going to reveal something important about me, perhaps in hopes that someone else facing the same situation will find out they are not alone.
Fair warning: it's going to get a little mushy or emotional.
I have battled with depression all my life. It's difficult to describe to someone that doesn't experience it. It's sort of like you have this critic inside your brain every waking hour telling you about things that you do wrong or how something about you is flawed. This critic has movies of your past social failures on cue. On bad days, this critic can even lob personal attacks against you. It's kind of like Facebook drama, but you're stuck with it and can't deactivate it or turn it off.
Some days are better than others. You can slip through the day with minimal encounters. Other days though, it's like walking through a fucking minefield.
People have different moods day to day; some days are bright and cheerful, while others can be tiresome or "meh," as some today would put it. With depression, you feel okay some days. But sometimes, it feels as if someone threw a heavy blanket into some water and wrapped it around you. It's difficult to stand up, it's difficult to even put clothes on. You skip work and stay in bed, even knowing there will be consequences. You feel like no one loves you, even if you are surrounded by friends that care about you.
Sometimes this lasts for months and you lose your job and some friends. It's like a big, scary, invisible monster that keeps feeding itself.
Thankfully, there are medications that treat this. But they don't always work, or they have annoying side effects. Sometimes your doctor finds the perfect medicine, only for it to suddenly stop working months or years later. Therapy gives you mental "tools" to deal with these inevitable crises, but sometimes coping is easier said than done.
I have found the best medicine against depression is finding and doing the things I enjoy and that make me happy. For me, kind of obviously, it's drawing and storytelling. I also like turning off the lights in the bathroom and running a warm shower while sitting in the tub, listening to the rushing sound of the water and feeling it against my skin.
Fewer people might relate to this part, but I'll share anyway because it's part of what makes me really different. I am on the autism spectrum. You might have heard about children on the autism spectrum, but they grow up into adults, and I'm one of them.
In my case, this just means that my brain works differently than most people. I am told that many "think in words." I, however, think in pictures. It's part of the way I am, and it actually unlocks some amazing creative potential. If I were to continue practicing my art, I could possibly become a talented artist.
This comes at a price, though. My social skills are unnatural and completely awkward. In said therapy, I've learned about social interaction over the years. I can understand people somewhat now. But it's taken me into my thirties to make some real headway on this.
I have some experience learning foreign languages. English is my native language, but I also learned Japanese at a young age, and even picked up some French as a young adult. For autistics, recognizing social cues in others is like learning a second language. You can do it, but it takes years and years of practice to become functional.
It goes without saying that it was, and still is to an extent, difficult for me to make friends. We live in a world where we're taught to be normal and how important it is to be normal.
But I'm sure we can agree that normal is boring, right?
If you or a friend faces the challenges of mental illnesses like depression, please know that you are not alone. You have to fight with your mind every day and function as a human being, and for that, you are a badass.
Remember to love yourself.
J