Love, as it is, is an affliction on the soul. A necessary evil it might even seem. We cannot escape, we are told that God, should He in fact exist (as I believe He does) wants us to be happy and feel love. It is hard at times to believe that far. Hard to the point of impossibility it might seem. Love is not easy, not even once you've gone through the task of finding it. True love even, or perhaps especially, is the most difficult of them all. Finding that one person who truly understands you, who gets you to so deep a level that you can't imagine anyone else ever might. They say finding this person is a rarity, a gift in fact. But can a gift in fact be more of a curse? How painful it is to those who find it and can't have it.
I'm in love. Likely as deeply and fully as I ever will be. Completely madly in love. I think about her constantly, everything I see around me reminds me of her in some way. I have never held this woman in my arms, I have never seen her with the bare eye, only in pictures. Never have I held her hand or sat across from her and had a chat. Yet I know in my heart that I love her. And she has told me several times that she loves me. Is this any less real? Is this any less than two people who meet in a bar and connect forever? There is however one small problem.
She's married. She got married last June to a man I feel doesn't truly appreciate her. Might it be my petty feelings on the subject? Perhaps a bit of being spurned and finding this other person only to know they are so off limits to me. It is impossible to be objective on the matter, I'm too deeply involved in my feelings for her. They are unhappy, she is unsatisfied, and I am simply the wonderful ego boost it seems she needs from time to time. I will never be anything more to her, I understand and have come to accept this. Begrudgingly as it is. They will stay married and I will remain single. Forever.
Forever seems like such a long time, but for me it feels much more rapidly dwindling than some might think. There is a pain in me. In my heart. Every night I go to sleep alone and wake up the same way I hurt more, especially knowing that I really shouldn't have to. When she tells me how she hurts, I hurt. It is killing me knowing all of this is so unesscesary. And I literally am wondering how long it will be before this pain is too much and I simply cannot cope.
I've had so much sadness and hurt for so long, and I have asked so little. I have gone along with this wonderful upbeat outward attitude. Have faith! Stick to hope. Things WILL work out. It is exceedingly more and more difficult to believe any small part of these idioms. I am lost, I wallow. I am completely adrift without means to get around.
I beat cancer. I cannot beat this. Life has won the battle against me. I am weathered, bent to breaking, and absolutely exhausted to the point of wanting to simply give up. If there is a light at the end of the tunnel I have been turned around and lost my way to it. If there is a silver lining to this cloud, my color blindedness has prevented me from seeing it.
It would seem then, in the end, I am a coward. I simply don't have the bravery to continue. Nor do I anymore have the strength to endure.
Might God forgive me in the end.
I'm in love. Likely as deeply and fully as I ever will be. Completely madly in love. I think about her constantly, everything I see around me reminds me of her in some way. I have never held this woman in my arms, I have never seen her with the bare eye, only in pictures. Never have I held her hand or sat across from her and had a chat. Yet I know in my heart that I love her. And she has told me several times that she loves me. Is this any less real? Is this any less than two people who meet in a bar and connect forever? There is however one small problem.
She's married. She got married last June to a man I feel doesn't truly appreciate her. Might it be my petty feelings on the subject? Perhaps a bit of being spurned and finding this other person only to know they are so off limits to me. It is impossible to be objective on the matter, I'm too deeply involved in my feelings for her. They are unhappy, she is unsatisfied, and I am simply the wonderful ego boost it seems she needs from time to time. I will never be anything more to her, I understand and have come to accept this. Begrudgingly as it is. They will stay married and I will remain single. Forever.
Forever seems like such a long time, but for me it feels much more rapidly dwindling than some might think. There is a pain in me. In my heart. Every night I go to sleep alone and wake up the same way I hurt more, especially knowing that I really shouldn't have to. When she tells me how she hurts, I hurt. It is killing me knowing all of this is so unesscesary. And I literally am wondering how long it will be before this pain is too much and I simply cannot cope.
I've had so much sadness and hurt for so long, and I have asked so little. I have gone along with this wonderful upbeat outward attitude. Have faith! Stick to hope. Things WILL work out. It is exceedingly more and more difficult to believe any small part of these idioms. I am lost, I wallow. I am completely adrift without means to get around.
I beat cancer. I cannot beat this. Life has won the battle against me. I am weathered, bent to breaking, and absolutely exhausted to the point of wanting to simply give up. If there is a light at the end of the tunnel I have been turned around and lost my way to it. If there is a silver lining to this cloud, my color blindedness has prevented me from seeing it.
It would seem then, in the end, I am a coward. I simply don't have the bravery to continue. Nor do I anymore have the strength to endure.
Might God forgive me in the end.