Friday Jul 29, 2005

0
the time is 2:41 AM. i'm drunk. tonight ive taken down 2 long islands. strong ones, not pussy ones. the next bar i went to had PBR at 2 bucks each. i had 2 of those. over about 2 hours time thats enough to make me feel pretty good. ive found that being drunk again has made me think. think about (once again) who exactly that guy in the mirror is. saturday i fly to LA for siggraph. its a conference for people that have made it where i have thus far failed. CGI jobs. i know im good enough to do it. i know i have the talent. so why dont i have a job might you ask? laziness. fear. procrastination due to fear. great quote, thanks mira. today at work i was watcing shawn of the dead. again. i recorded it on the pvr. its spiffy. theres a line in that movie. SORT YOUR FUCKING LIFE OUT. someone needs to slap me in the face. im floundering. im lonely. im angry. im going to beat the fuck out of that camping chair. i dont know who i am. a couple days ago my old buddy from highschool talked with me. i know what i want. but shes not there. im sick of the comprimiseing. iknow what i want. i now what she is. i know whhat my job is. i KNOW WHERE I NEED TO GO. so why am i not there? somewhere along the lines ive lost myself. truenly lost who i am. what im about. why would i go to a bar that plays hiphop when im far more comfortbale in a dive bar? why would i do that? because i dont knwo who or what i am. ive lost myself somewhere in the mtv culture, the money all consuming monster that i dont want to be a part of. this country needs to be destroyed. i think id fare much better as a war lord or somone who wanders, just learning from life/.. not constrained by material society. now its 2:48. im still drunk. in 8 hours im going to be lifting weights to make me feel better about my body. so im going to sleep. and hopefully illdream dreams that make me understand why im here. because i just dont know why i am sometimes.
fukidunno:
I have so been there man and it's uncomfortable but entirely necessary. Think of it as growing pains. Wait until you grow and your friends don't and they don't accept you because "you've changed", but don't worry abolut that shit now. You are in the process and changing, shifting and just can't see yourself in your new life circumstances yet. Trying to look to far ahead. You know what you want and that's farther than a lot of people get.
Are you afraid of your own power?
What
are
you
waiting
for
?


Edited because the first feeling of exhilerating forward motion is the best and becomes additicting. And I also know of every pitfall, every backward slide opens up to take it away. Think twice. Feel three times.

[Edited on Aug 03, 2005 7:21AM]
kittyinabox:
Hello there

you haven't lost your self....you've just put yourself on hold......Why????? Because your being like me...........That procastination wil only hurt you..........and I should know.......So, don't be like me........

Really, I'm the queen of procratination because at the moment before I do "it" I convince myself that I will suck at it........then when I finally do "it" I usally feel pretty damn good about myself........This is the one mistake that I usually don't learn from.........and I need to......I wish for you to learn quicker than me......

From my view....your in a pretty normal place. Between finishing school and moving on with whatever I wanted to do, I felt lost (for at least a year). Give yourslef some pitstops every once in a while.......You'll get to where you are headed.

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