Hmm so im just sitting here lost in my mind , thinking about A LOT of things right now . most of it it just about recent events and i feel like im going to go crazy and have my mind explode into a million pieces and my body just falls apart at the joints. more or less something on the lines of that. but yeah everyday i just cant help but think about my daughter who passed the same day she was born. i swear i never felt so much joy in my life when i say her pretty face. she was only 22 weeks and i could never get a fucking straight answer from any doctor about what the hell happened and one nurse told me it was a UTI and the head doctor said that it was some long C word that i can never remember. but honestly i think they was just trying to find a easy way out so they dont have to deal with a angry ass mother who wants to know nothing but the TRUTH!
How hard is it to be fucking honest ??. has the world gone mad and lost there sense of feelings. anyway.. what makes me upset the most is that ive concluded that all this painful morning and what not could of been prevented but everyone say that things happen for a reason and you will have more chances.. so what am i sopose to do? forget about my first baby and just move on?? IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! i can never move on from something like that . it was never planned to have a baby but when i found out i was pregnant i just knew that abortion was definately out of the question.. i wanted to be the best mother and give her the childhood i missed out on and make sure her life could be the best that it could ever be. im so heart broken that they could try fucking hard enough to save her life
I mean HONESTLY you say that you couldnt do anything to save but if you sit back and watch that whole day you would realize that they did absolutely nothing to save her .. all they did was stand around her and say that she was to small to do anything?? are you fucking kidding me i have proof that is a bunch of BULLSHIT cause she was the same amount of weight and a little bit taller than me when i was born.. i was fucking 1 lb and 2 ounces and guess what..IM STILL HERE ! ALIVE AND WEALTHY. so please tell me what happened ?? did they just not care enough to try harder or they just want to hurt me more?..i really dont know what to think anymore .. its bad enough that the world is in a baby craze and everyone and their mother is having a baby. and it just feels like im being tortured .i just want her back in my arms. i want to feel her snuggle up against me as i hold her tight and smile from ear to ear. no matter what she was extremely cute ..no one could touch how much of angel she was. i will see her again .. that i know WILL come true.
Another thing is that fact that i wish i had my own place with my hubby right now. there is so much drama in this house that it s starting to piss me off and i feel like screaming at everyone and telling them that they need to all shut up and grow up and stop acting like children. one minute things will be fine and then the next someone has to loose their mind over something stupid. i try my hardest to stay out of it but sometimes i get sucked into it and i just want to punch someone. i have so much stress on my belt that i dont need this useless shit. im struggling to find a job. and trying to get back into school so that im not a complete failure at life and i have to wait half a damn year so that i dont have to deal with student loans. and i just want to be able to feel like i accomplished something .. now a days high school diplomas arent shit in the real world. i mean i worked my ass off! i have a regents diploma and a fine arts diploma from high school and i was on top of the world. but the real world smacks you in the face and says that your a fool and you need more stupid. come back later.. so im just trying to make it in life.
So i just want to not have to worry about all this and be on my way with life right now.
How hard is it to be fucking honest ??. has the world gone mad and lost there sense of feelings. anyway.. what makes me upset the most is that ive concluded that all this painful morning and what not could of been prevented but everyone say that things happen for a reason and you will have more chances.. so what am i sopose to do? forget about my first baby and just move on?? IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! i can never move on from something like that . it was never planned to have a baby but when i found out i was pregnant i just knew that abortion was definately out of the question.. i wanted to be the best mother and give her the childhood i missed out on and make sure her life could be the best that it could ever be. im so heart broken that they could try fucking hard enough to save her life
I mean HONESTLY you say that you couldnt do anything to save but if you sit back and watch that whole day you would realize that they did absolutely nothing to save her .. all they did was stand around her and say that she was to small to do anything?? are you fucking kidding me i have proof that is a bunch of BULLSHIT cause she was the same amount of weight and a little bit taller than me when i was born.. i was fucking 1 lb and 2 ounces and guess what..IM STILL HERE ! ALIVE AND WEALTHY. so please tell me what happened ?? did they just not care enough to try harder or they just want to hurt me more?..i really dont know what to think anymore .. its bad enough that the world is in a baby craze and everyone and their mother is having a baby. and it just feels like im being tortured .i just want her back in my arms. i want to feel her snuggle up against me as i hold her tight and smile from ear to ear. no matter what she was extremely cute ..no one could touch how much of angel she was. i will see her again .. that i know WILL come true.
Another thing is that fact that i wish i had my own place with my hubby right now. there is so much drama in this house that it s starting to piss me off and i feel like screaming at everyone and telling them that they need to all shut up and grow up and stop acting like children. one minute things will be fine and then the next someone has to loose their mind over something stupid. i try my hardest to stay out of it but sometimes i get sucked into it and i just want to punch someone. i have so much stress on my belt that i dont need this useless shit. im struggling to find a job. and trying to get back into school so that im not a complete failure at life and i have to wait half a damn year so that i dont have to deal with student loans. and i just want to be able to feel like i accomplished something .. now a days high school diplomas arent shit in the real world. i mean i worked my ass off! i have a regents diploma and a fine arts diploma from high school and i was on top of the world. but the real world smacks you in the face and says that your a fool and you need more stupid. come back later.. so im just trying to make it in life.
So i just want to not have to worry about all this and be on my way with life right now.
heartbaker:
Sorry for your loss. Doctors are those people who your supposed to trust but really can't. It's the not having the answer that makes it so hard to let go... cause you will always wonder why