What am I worth as a friend? I care a lot about the people I meet. I want to be a friend that has an emotional connection to people. I crave that emotional connection. But that's never how it ever plays out.
Truth is I don't really know anything about the people I consider my friends. I don't know anything about their family life. I don't know if they have siblings, if their parents are still together, where they grew up- literally nothing. I know their major in college but that's it. I don't know their boyfriend's/girlfriend's name. I don't know what they want to do with their degree. I don't know about their employment. I don't know even the superficial stuff.
But more importantly I don't know about their inner self. I don't know their passions, fears, insecurities, hopes, dreams, regrets; really any real substance of who they really are deep down. I'd like to get to that point. But we rarely talk and never hang out. I'm always the one to initiate the conversation, and it doesn't even get past a reply back. The same is true that they don't know about the inner me.
So what am I worth to them? Honestly the only time they've reached out to me is when I wrote a big blog about how seriously sick I am and how it utterly fucking terrifies me. My therapist says I'm confusing care with pity. I don't see it that way.
Literally I just started crying as I'm writing this. I don't have any actual true friends, just acquaintances who only react to my chronic medical issues and use me for academics.
The other extension of my reason in my friends lives is to help them with homework/computers.
Before I get to this point I want to explain my hope of getting to a deeper level of friendship die with how this starts.
“Hey I really need your help.”
My thoughts on this are “oh man finally I get to hear some emotional issues about my friend, and finally be needed for things other than school. They're going to be vulnerable with me because they trust me! This is what I really have wanted out of our friendship!”
“Install this pirated software”
“My computer is having issues”
“Can you give me your homework answers?”
This post is probably deemed as passive-aggressive, but it's not. I'm really hurting. I'm really feeling alone. I'm really feeling used. I'm really feeling that this is what I'm actually worth to people.
And I'll probably get more pity and fake reassurance from them.
But if I stop “helping” my “friends” then I'm really going to be alone.
I don't know how to escape this, I don't know how to tell them this, I don't know how to let them I want a deeper level of friendship. This post will earn me pity. And me being a desperate idiot will accept this pity.
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