I feel lost. I've got a lot of growing up to do, and I feel that this college scene is not the right place. This social scene is all about drinking, drugs, having sex, and is shit I grew out of when I was 17. The concept of adult relationships feels very bleak here. I'm lonely and don't fit in. I know who I am, what I can give, and the type of people I want to surround myself with. But I honestly can't say if I will find that here. I'm going to join the ballroom dancing club which hopefully will bring me around people who I want to associate myself with.
I'm very insecure about myself as much as I don't show it. I hate how much I weigh, how I've always been a loner but just don't fit in, and how I feel stable because I miss the mania. I've been manic for so long, that being stable feels very foreign. By pure comparison I feel like shit. But I've been told numerous times that I'm a lot more pleasant to talk to. But when I try to show how much of a caring thoughtful and introspective guy, it involves an emotional one night stand. I'm not emotionally attached by that experience but it makes me question what I ultimately want to be as a person. Should I just be a loud energetic guy who people can't handle(but makes me internally happy) or try for the umpteenth time to be the charming caring guy who wants to give people the wisdom I've grown up on? I've learned not to grow attached to people because I'm so used to being rejected or dropped in the future. It is for sure a defense mechanism, but it keeps me safe from getting hurt. But it makes me unfulfilled and alienated from people. I've just grown up with a broken head and heart that I don't want to depend of socializing to define me.
But Im so lonely this way. I try to reach out but it turns to deaf ears. They just get fucked up and have sex. It's very immature in my mind, and I think the concept of sex is something more than just being physically intimate with someone. It is about trust, vulnerability, emotion, and a deep bond with that person. However I don't know people around here who see it that way. I just feel alienated with my beliefs and values and depressed that it isn't validated. I HATE drugs and drinking as the only socializing in this town. I don't seen anyone who would just want to go to a semi-formal dinner with the group and not have the night end with people drunk.
When I was a kid we'd go to eat, see movies, smoke hookah, go work out, sober activities. And we did this not because we were underage(we could buy booze at anytime), but because we were smarter than to get into that scene. And then college comes around and that's all people want to do. I just wish there were adult relationships and activities, one of sobriety(in the sense of social drinking, not get fucked up drinking) and deep caring friendship. I want to date a girl not just to be with someone but to find a life partner.
But I don't have really anything going successful with me- I don't have a job or car or career because I'm still a student. I may make some cash with this voice acting which will go to tattoos because it helps me solidify who my identity is when I get tattoos. Yeah it may be immature to spend money on tattoos versus other things, but if I said I want to buy an xbox or stuff like that it becomes acceptable. Everyone thinks I look at porn because I'm on this site and find it so odd that I don't jack off to these girls. They are family to me even if we don't know each other. This place has helped me grow and establish who I want to be known as. But that identity is not valued here. People don't want that.
I know I have a lot of growing up to do, but I know that that idea of myself isn't nurtured here. And I feel lonely and limited which makes me question why I even bother. I know the world after college isn't as bleak as I think the situation I am in now is, but I don't know who I can socialize with to start that change and lifestyle. I want to grow and mature in the real world how I've done on SG. I just haven't found that social crew that would enact that change. I really hope this ballroom dancing with bring that social realm that I always say I want. This college scene is full of drunks, sluts, and very shallow and immature people.
With my gallbladder removed I can't get back into working out as hard as I used to, but I'm trying to create a consistent schedule involving school, working out, and fun. I am very happy with structured life, it gives me a sense of identity, awareness, and hope for the future. I plan to bike an hour everyday, hopefully around 10+ miles a day. I can bike around 3 miles /10 minutes. I need to research the bike paths here because they go through parks and along the river and is very scenic. I've got some good music on my ipod to give me a leisure ride instead of hardcore cardio. I'm starting to cook good meals once a week which is a big coping skill for me. My portfolio needs to get done, but I am in the need for structure and finding myself first. My teachers are extremely nice and super helpful an know I am serious about the Digital Arts program.
I really think create a consistent schedule involving good eating habits, working out, school, and leisure will really help me figure out who I am and want to be. This blog is not so much introspective as much as future ambition, and I truly think that's what will bring me change versus lamenting and wallowing in my emotional and mental anguish and depression. I think taking charge in my life in myself first and foremost will set the stage for future and change. I think casual relationships in class will be a start versus trying to establish my social identity with them.
Thanks SG for helping me clear my head and give me ambition to change. It really means a lot that I can examine myself to an audience that gives me support versus people brushing it off or commenting once. It gives me accountability also not only for myself, but who I want to be known as.
Thanks again, you are all family to me.
~Panda
I'm very insecure about myself as much as I don't show it. I hate how much I weigh, how I've always been a loner but just don't fit in, and how I feel stable because I miss the mania. I've been manic for so long, that being stable feels very foreign. By pure comparison I feel like shit. But I've been told numerous times that I'm a lot more pleasant to talk to. But when I try to show how much of a caring thoughtful and introspective guy, it involves an emotional one night stand. I'm not emotionally attached by that experience but it makes me question what I ultimately want to be as a person. Should I just be a loud energetic guy who people can't handle(but makes me internally happy) or try for the umpteenth time to be the charming caring guy who wants to give people the wisdom I've grown up on? I've learned not to grow attached to people because I'm so used to being rejected or dropped in the future. It is for sure a defense mechanism, but it keeps me safe from getting hurt. But it makes me unfulfilled and alienated from people. I've just grown up with a broken head and heart that I don't want to depend of socializing to define me.
But Im so lonely this way. I try to reach out but it turns to deaf ears. They just get fucked up and have sex. It's very immature in my mind, and I think the concept of sex is something more than just being physically intimate with someone. It is about trust, vulnerability, emotion, and a deep bond with that person. However I don't know people around here who see it that way. I just feel alienated with my beliefs and values and depressed that it isn't validated. I HATE drugs and drinking as the only socializing in this town. I don't seen anyone who would just want to go to a semi-formal dinner with the group and not have the night end with people drunk.
When I was a kid we'd go to eat, see movies, smoke hookah, go work out, sober activities. And we did this not because we were underage(we could buy booze at anytime), but because we were smarter than to get into that scene. And then college comes around and that's all people want to do. I just wish there were adult relationships and activities, one of sobriety(in the sense of social drinking, not get fucked up drinking) and deep caring friendship. I want to date a girl not just to be with someone but to find a life partner.
But I don't have really anything going successful with me- I don't have a job or car or career because I'm still a student. I may make some cash with this voice acting which will go to tattoos because it helps me solidify who my identity is when I get tattoos. Yeah it may be immature to spend money on tattoos versus other things, but if I said I want to buy an xbox or stuff like that it becomes acceptable. Everyone thinks I look at porn because I'm on this site and find it so odd that I don't jack off to these girls. They are family to me even if we don't know each other. This place has helped me grow and establish who I want to be known as. But that identity is not valued here. People don't want that.
I know I have a lot of growing up to do, but I know that that idea of myself isn't nurtured here. And I feel lonely and limited which makes me question why I even bother. I know the world after college isn't as bleak as I think the situation I am in now is, but I don't know who I can socialize with to start that change and lifestyle. I want to grow and mature in the real world how I've done on SG. I just haven't found that social crew that would enact that change. I really hope this ballroom dancing with bring that social realm that I always say I want. This college scene is full of drunks, sluts, and very shallow and immature people.
With my gallbladder removed I can't get back into working out as hard as I used to, but I'm trying to create a consistent schedule involving school, working out, and fun. I am very happy with structured life, it gives me a sense of identity, awareness, and hope for the future. I plan to bike an hour everyday, hopefully around 10+ miles a day. I can bike around 3 miles /10 minutes. I need to research the bike paths here because they go through parks and along the river and is very scenic. I've got some good music on my ipod to give me a leisure ride instead of hardcore cardio. I'm starting to cook good meals once a week which is a big coping skill for me. My portfolio needs to get done, but I am in the need for structure and finding myself first. My teachers are extremely nice and super helpful an know I am serious about the Digital Arts program.
I really think create a consistent schedule involving good eating habits, working out, school, and leisure will really help me figure out who I am and want to be. This blog is not so much introspective as much as future ambition, and I truly think that's what will bring me change versus lamenting and wallowing in my emotional and mental anguish and depression. I think taking charge in my life in myself first and foremost will set the stage for future and change. I think casual relationships in class will be a start versus trying to establish my social identity with them.
Thanks SG for helping me clear my head and give me ambition to change. It really means a lot that I can examine myself to an audience that gives me support versus people brushing it off or commenting once. It gives me accountability also not only for myself, but who I want to be known as.
Thanks again, you are all family to me.
~Panda
abjabber:
You will never stop growing and changing. Just embrace the journey and never compromise what you want or believe in. The older you get the easier it is to feel calm, at least that's how it was for me. I don't socialize much outside of SG because I also don't usually meet people I can tolerate on a daily basis. The bike riding sounds like an awesome idea and reminds me of the blog I just wrote about exercising. Good luck with the dance class and take care. 