It has become apparent that I am even more of a social anomaly than I thought. They typical female in her mind is....narrow-minded to me. I know women flirt, it is natural, especially under the effects of alcohol. In their mind this flirting turns into guilt. They feel as is the lead me on. There is irony in that statement, a raw slap-in-the face irony that has stung so deep I truly wonder what my place in people's lives are.
I am different from others, men and women both, in my interactions. I have made the very comfortable choice to friend-zone all women I meet. It is much deeper than simply stating friend-zone. The truth is I am desensitized to the female body. Staring at breasts, vagina, ass- I just dont care the way others see it. To them it is a symbol of sexual desire, an embodiment of womanhood. And to that I say I honestly-more than honestly-an extremely high moral and value cannot view in that way. To view a woman in any part as a sex object just sickens me to my core. I know Ive said this, not viewing women sexually, but it is much deeper and purer than that. As I type this I'm trying to come up with words hoping my thoughts link together to what I truly mean. I don't understand sex; I never have. I have a pure idea of sex-one I will explain in further detail later in this blog. I think the only way I can start is by expressing how I view the world.
I feel as if i'm on a higher plane, one of pure raw experience and free of expectations. I don't know how this came about, what has strengthened it, or why I find such disgust-morally sickening disgust-in the way normal people view the world. I see, read, and more importantly feed off energy levels of others. I see the world, in colors. It is different than auras-the only way to describe it is that it's deep behind my eyes and connected to my soul. To me the world is a beautiful mural. I love observing people, to see that energy being given, taken, and more importantly grown. However, there is a paradox in that. I have so much energy to give, but it doesn't give me peace. I have to give my energy(to which I do on the highest of morals of treating people as people) and see it grow inside others to which I then feed it back to myself. I feel like a parasite at times. The thing is, the energy I give is so pure-with no expectations-to see it grow inside someone that everyone is totally taken aback by it. It then goes into normal society as flirting when all I do is to feed back myself(without removing the grown energy) just to feel something. It is a vicarious life, one that I question as to my own self-worth and self-happiness. I see a friendship as energy transferring to each-other. It ends up that one friend gives more energy with no expectations. It is, in my case, a cycle of giving, growing, and feeding. And it is always very one sided. To the normal world this is taken as a romantic interest. That couldn't be farther from the truth. And I have experienced others like me. Our energy meshes together, but it never given nor taken, it is a dance of colors phasing in and out that overall is static in nature. It is very rare to find those people, at least ones as developed as I am. I met one women, Heather, who I felt was a mentor, and she far surpassed me on this subject. I learned a lot from her.
I am also very sensitive to light-moonlight especially. I feel as if in shadows, energy just dies, one moment it is there, and the next it is gone, never to return. It can be replaced, but never be brought back. I am very fortunate that I dream amazing dreams- I wake up some nights bathed in moonlight, and even in the shadows of the blinds I feel scared, vulnerable, and alone.
Now that I have explained to you the core of my views on energy in general, let me explain to you my views of (ironically) sex in that context. I preface with saying I have never experienced this, and can only dream of it. As I have said, energy between two people can grow, phase, or remain static. With sex it is a combination. I always view it as flames dancing(to which whenever I look at a dancing flame I grow hopeful yet sad). The energies' of two people implode, explode, and dancing with each-other in the embodiment of true love.
And yet..I am alone in this view. The roles, stigmas, and nature of normal society taints the pureness of what I experience. It warps something with no expectations to something of romantic or sexual desire. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Yet, it is such a red flag in others' minds that they end up ceasing contact with me.
To bring back the beginning of my blog of leading on. To others' minds it is leading on in a sexual or romantic way. To have that be the end thought of what I experience and try to show others...it truly saddens me for the scope of humanity. The leading on to them is sexual or romantic-to me it is a deep strong bond of friendship. But as I have said, normal people view it only in the context of how they've grown up and the expectations of friendships and gender roles. This is why I say I feel even more of an anomaly because I seek deep true honest real relationships on a personal level-for energy's sake and my morals and values of person-hood. And yet always-the view is skewed by society roles. It saddens me, truly saddens me not just for humanity but the such limited scope the person sees in.
I will find others like me-developed and matured as I am- and maybe then, I can only hope, I can find peace from the burden of having to feed in energy. It is a vicious circle that at the end is tainted and corrupted by society.
At this point in my life I am alone, not just on this higher plane, but basic human relationships as a whole. This ultimately leaves me without energy to feed off of-if only to make me feel like Ive truly connected, helped, and have bettered a friend.
The only thing I can do is live by my back tattoo and the phrase game-up. It is really the only thing that keeps me going(not in a suicidal way at all), but just in the pure hopes of finding someone who will see the world I do.
I don't know how to end this blog on a positive optimistic note, because ultimately this is a depressing topic, not just for myself, but my hopes of the future of humanity and relationships.
~Panda
I am different from others, men and women both, in my interactions. I have made the very comfortable choice to friend-zone all women I meet. It is much deeper than simply stating friend-zone. The truth is I am desensitized to the female body. Staring at breasts, vagina, ass- I just dont care the way others see it. To them it is a symbol of sexual desire, an embodiment of womanhood. And to that I say I honestly-more than honestly-an extremely high moral and value cannot view in that way. To view a woman in any part as a sex object just sickens me to my core. I know Ive said this, not viewing women sexually, but it is much deeper and purer than that. As I type this I'm trying to come up with words hoping my thoughts link together to what I truly mean. I don't understand sex; I never have. I have a pure idea of sex-one I will explain in further detail later in this blog. I think the only way I can start is by expressing how I view the world.
I feel as if i'm on a higher plane, one of pure raw experience and free of expectations. I don't know how this came about, what has strengthened it, or why I find such disgust-morally sickening disgust-in the way normal people view the world. I see, read, and more importantly feed off energy levels of others. I see the world, in colors. It is different than auras-the only way to describe it is that it's deep behind my eyes and connected to my soul. To me the world is a beautiful mural. I love observing people, to see that energy being given, taken, and more importantly grown. However, there is a paradox in that. I have so much energy to give, but it doesn't give me peace. I have to give my energy(to which I do on the highest of morals of treating people as people) and see it grow inside others to which I then feed it back to myself. I feel like a parasite at times. The thing is, the energy I give is so pure-with no expectations-to see it grow inside someone that everyone is totally taken aback by it. It then goes into normal society as flirting when all I do is to feed back myself(without removing the grown energy) just to feel something. It is a vicarious life, one that I question as to my own self-worth and self-happiness. I see a friendship as energy transferring to each-other. It ends up that one friend gives more energy with no expectations. It is, in my case, a cycle of giving, growing, and feeding. And it is always very one sided. To the normal world this is taken as a romantic interest. That couldn't be farther from the truth. And I have experienced others like me. Our energy meshes together, but it never given nor taken, it is a dance of colors phasing in and out that overall is static in nature. It is very rare to find those people, at least ones as developed as I am. I met one women, Heather, who I felt was a mentor, and she far surpassed me on this subject. I learned a lot from her.
I am also very sensitive to light-moonlight especially. I feel as if in shadows, energy just dies, one moment it is there, and the next it is gone, never to return. It can be replaced, but never be brought back. I am very fortunate that I dream amazing dreams- I wake up some nights bathed in moonlight, and even in the shadows of the blinds I feel scared, vulnerable, and alone.
Now that I have explained to you the core of my views on energy in general, let me explain to you my views of (ironically) sex in that context. I preface with saying I have never experienced this, and can only dream of it. As I have said, energy between two people can grow, phase, or remain static. With sex it is a combination. I always view it as flames dancing(to which whenever I look at a dancing flame I grow hopeful yet sad). The energies' of two people implode, explode, and dancing with each-other in the embodiment of true love.
And yet..I am alone in this view. The roles, stigmas, and nature of normal society taints the pureness of what I experience. It warps something with no expectations to something of romantic or sexual desire. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Yet, it is such a red flag in others' minds that they end up ceasing contact with me.
To bring back the beginning of my blog of leading on. To others' minds it is leading on in a sexual or romantic way. To have that be the end thought of what I experience and try to show others...it truly saddens me for the scope of humanity. The leading on to them is sexual or romantic-to me it is a deep strong bond of friendship. But as I have said, normal people view it only in the context of how they've grown up and the expectations of friendships and gender roles. This is why I say I feel even more of an anomaly because I seek deep true honest real relationships on a personal level-for energy's sake and my morals and values of person-hood. And yet always-the view is skewed by society roles. It saddens me, truly saddens me not just for humanity but the such limited scope the person sees in.
I will find others like me-developed and matured as I am- and maybe then, I can only hope, I can find peace from the burden of having to feed in energy. It is a vicious circle that at the end is tainted and corrupted by society.
At this point in my life I am alone, not just on this higher plane, but basic human relationships as a whole. This ultimately leaves me without energy to feed off of-if only to make me feel like Ive truly connected, helped, and have bettered a friend.
The only thing I can do is live by my back tattoo and the phrase game-up. It is really the only thing that keeps me going(not in a suicidal way at all), but just in the pure hopes of finding someone who will see the world I do.
I don't know how to end this blog on a positive optimistic note, because ultimately this is a depressing topic, not just for myself, but my hopes of the future of humanity and relationships.
~Panda