I question as to if I really fit into the college scene. Honestly, all the drugs and drinking and one-night-stands I did when I was 17, even then most people haven't done most of what Ive done. I'm glad Im out of that phase, and looking back on it, not even as a sober person now, but a self-aware adult how little I enjoyed it. Most people are either too blazed to realize shit, too blitzed and out of control, and really just fucking idiots overall. Looking back, when I did cocaine, it was a very different setting. When I was 16 my mother bought me cocaine, weed, and alcohol. She was also in a biker gang and me and the biker gang would grapple. We wouldn't throw punches, but more like Brazilian jujitsu take downs. But we also fought dirty, throwing shit in your eyes, pressure points, almost arm-breaking arm bars. For a 16 year old kid, drinking, smoking, doing blow and riding motorcycles- fucking awesome. I assume as a parent sick and wrong, but I can't say that. It will never be something Id bring onto my future children. So like I said, more than most people's drug-use experiences. Even then, it was the fighting and motorcycles that got me. But in terms of actual drug effects, I mellowed out. A bipolar kid who is manic and on cocaine should be going crazy, if anything I just fought and rode motorcycles and chilled. When I was 14 I did a fifth of vodka or tequila a day for 5 months straight. And looking back to how being drunk is as an adult versus some little kid it makes me realize all that shit was fucking pointless. It didn't get me buzzed, it made me feel like shit(especially due to the high alcohol tolerance).
So that brings me now to the sober college scene. Everyone is drunk or high and acting like fucking idiots. Like I said, I'm 100% sober and more over-the-top than kids are blitzed high/drunk on. It's a much simpler and more fulfilling life. I've also been through fucking hell, way more than 1 person should ever have to deal with. From that I gained a very high sense of maturity on not only relationships but overall outlook on life. I've done more than most 21+ year old kids have done, and I honestly don't fucking care for it. It makes me feel sober if anything; doing drugs or drinking.
Now I can only assume being the age and scene I am in, most people care about getting fucked for a night, getting way drunk/high as a form of relaxation. To me, I take it as being on a crutch. I feel like people who have to drink or smoke weed to relax is a giant crutch. I'm so energetic, outgoing, ambitious, and audacious sober; that both looking back on how drugs and booze made me feel, and the more mature outlook on life I have it seems completely fucking moronic to get high or drunk. That's mostly due to the bipolar too.
My bipolar has caused me hell, and I really mean utter fucking hell. I did a lot of things that Im not proud of, that looking back were a weak thing to do. I've suffered from severe bipolar depression for the 22 years that I have been alive. Now, especially after stopping Depakote, I am looking at life in a way I honestly never thought it'd ever make it here alive. How I am right now, happy, constant-hypo-manic, energetic, and excited for life I would NEVER EVER believe Id be alive to feel this. So I am very thankfully to everything I encounter now, even the simplest calming moment, to the most grueling crippling work-out. I never laughed or made people laugh as much as I do now. It is the one thing Im thankful for, is my sense of humor. I always say if there was one thing that could summarize my relationships and look on life it would be making me and others laugh. Compared to all the hell I've been through, life is much quieter and calmer now. And I am very thankful to everyone(ESPECIALLY my father) who helped me come this far.
That being said, after all the hell and little-shit antics I did when I was younger, I'm in a very awkward social scene. I've said before that I treat people as a person to get to know, not someone to fuck or use. On a real quick tangent(just a good summary of my view on relationships but not to deter form the main point) here is my view on relationships. :
Im not judgmental at all. i dont care what youve done; who youve fucked what youve smoked,snorted,drank,shot, anything at all i dont care-it doesn't phase me and Ive probably done worse
Another thing you'll know about me is that when i meet someone, i dont say "oh i want to fuck her/*insert physical garbage here*" i say "i want to get to know that person". If we never spoke again the one thing Id want you to know about me is i want to get to know the real person. I don't want the fake bullshit mask they put on for everyone else-i want to know their weaknesses, fears, insecurities because i want to help them grow. I grow and mature with my friends, and offer any advice i can, even if it is just them yelling and screaming to me about their troubles.
With that prefaced out there, people of all ages and both genders open up to me, I mean TRULY from their heart open up to me after I say that to them, even if we just met. It honestly isn't a surprise that it happens. I don't even try to use it as a line to get with a girl(i morally couldn't even do that, let alone go through with a sudden hook-up). And I always wonder, why people say you're a true friend, more than most people could ever dream of or you're not like anyone else or you're unreal, I never thought this would happen. When I'm not trying to pull any lines or pry at them, they just open up like we've been deep true friends for ages. And I ask what it is about me, and they can't find words, and I jokingly say it's because Im Jewish and they laugh and say no-yet can't come up with words. Hell, I have NO IDEA WHAT THIS LINE EVEN MEANS: a person will tell me in a VERY vulnerable state, I have a hard time trusting people.. to which I LITERALLY respond: Psh, it's fine Im Jewish. AND THEN THEY OPEN UP!!! WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! And that is the role I take, a big brother to both guys and girls.
Truth is I don't know any other way to be around a friend than a big brother. I treat them a little brothers/sisters than friends. I don't know how to have normal friendships. People open up to me, always. My good friend Matt, he had an eating disorder. I came to see him for spring break and while I was there I went with him to the orientation of a treatment program AND to his therapist to better communicate matt's needs. Most people I can only assume wouldn't do that. But to me that is the CORE of what a true friend does. Yeah it's fun to joke and laugh but when shit is in deep water friends are supposed to help you every step to recovery. Most people don't do that apparently. Maybe it's because Ive been through so much hell myself that I can get so close with others without being phased by their shit.
So here I am, beyond the bar scene, beyond the random hook-ups, drinking, and drugs. What I want in life and from people is REAL honest caring relationships. I want to travel, I want to see the world, and to find so many opportunities and outlets in life that the only limit would be myself. I've matured past the college age range. Everyone says Im years beyond my actual age. The sad part about that is, there is no one I can find in that same ahead-of-the-game age range/maturity. People my age don't care about feelings, or person-hood, dreams, goals, or the future-they just care about getting high and having sex. Truth is(ironically) I see sex as making love, two people's energy imploding and exploding into each other like two flames dancing. The irony is I have yet to have that experience. I pride myself in viewing the world on the level I do, yet I can't seem to find a soul who is with me on the same page. If I do tell the people I view as little brothers/sisters they laugh and say that's true honest love, but they can never see it the way I do. I wonder what age range I'd find this level of human connection is the main focus. It is clearly not drunk college kids. I wish I could find people with the same mindset Im in, but with talking to other people about it, my maturity level is around the age 27 range. So it might take awhile. Most people don't want what I will wholly give just because they are a person, not someone to use or fuck, but just because they are a person who deserves to be treated. Theyd much rather get high/drunk have random sex and drudge through college.
And that is another point in my life Im in. I have changed my major to something fun-cinema studies. It sounds like an amazing completely new and exciting curriculum. I'm excited for school, I love school, and I am so eager to start again come the 7th. I would much rather be swamped in school work than to deal with the maturity level of this town. Priorities are different for me, where I am in life is light-years beyond this college scene of kids. Hopefully I'll find others like-minded.
At this point Im honestly just fed up with this age scene, and I hope I can find some people who have matured out of it like I have.
Oh and it's my birthday today as I just noticed the time haha. 22 whoop-whoop! Haha
~Panda
So that brings me now to the sober college scene. Everyone is drunk or high and acting like fucking idiots. Like I said, I'm 100% sober and more over-the-top than kids are blitzed high/drunk on. It's a much simpler and more fulfilling life. I've also been through fucking hell, way more than 1 person should ever have to deal with. From that I gained a very high sense of maturity on not only relationships but overall outlook on life. I've done more than most 21+ year old kids have done, and I honestly don't fucking care for it. It makes me feel sober if anything; doing drugs or drinking.
Now I can only assume being the age and scene I am in, most people care about getting fucked for a night, getting way drunk/high as a form of relaxation. To me, I take it as being on a crutch. I feel like people who have to drink or smoke weed to relax is a giant crutch. I'm so energetic, outgoing, ambitious, and audacious sober; that both looking back on how drugs and booze made me feel, and the more mature outlook on life I have it seems completely fucking moronic to get high or drunk. That's mostly due to the bipolar too.
My bipolar has caused me hell, and I really mean utter fucking hell. I did a lot of things that Im not proud of, that looking back were a weak thing to do. I've suffered from severe bipolar depression for the 22 years that I have been alive. Now, especially after stopping Depakote, I am looking at life in a way I honestly never thought it'd ever make it here alive. How I am right now, happy, constant-hypo-manic, energetic, and excited for life I would NEVER EVER believe Id be alive to feel this. So I am very thankfully to everything I encounter now, even the simplest calming moment, to the most grueling crippling work-out. I never laughed or made people laugh as much as I do now. It is the one thing Im thankful for, is my sense of humor. I always say if there was one thing that could summarize my relationships and look on life it would be making me and others laugh. Compared to all the hell I've been through, life is much quieter and calmer now. And I am very thankful to everyone(ESPECIALLY my father) who helped me come this far.
That being said, after all the hell and little-shit antics I did when I was younger, I'm in a very awkward social scene. I've said before that I treat people as a person to get to know, not someone to fuck or use. On a real quick tangent(just a good summary of my view on relationships but not to deter form the main point) here is my view on relationships. :
Im not judgmental at all. i dont care what youve done; who youve fucked what youve smoked,snorted,drank,shot, anything at all i dont care-it doesn't phase me and Ive probably done worse
Another thing you'll know about me is that when i meet someone, i dont say "oh i want to fuck her/*insert physical garbage here*" i say "i want to get to know that person". If we never spoke again the one thing Id want you to know about me is i want to get to know the real person. I don't want the fake bullshit mask they put on for everyone else-i want to know their weaknesses, fears, insecurities because i want to help them grow. I grow and mature with my friends, and offer any advice i can, even if it is just them yelling and screaming to me about their troubles.
With that prefaced out there, people of all ages and both genders open up to me, I mean TRULY from their heart open up to me after I say that to them, even if we just met. It honestly isn't a surprise that it happens. I don't even try to use it as a line to get with a girl(i morally couldn't even do that, let alone go through with a sudden hook-up). And I always wonder, why people say you're a true friend, more than most people could ever dream of or you're not like anyone else or you're unreal, I never thought this would happen. When I'm not trying to pull any lines or pry at them, they just open up like we've been deep true friends for ages. And I ask what it is about me, and they can't find words, and I jokingly say it's because Im Jewish and they laugh and say no-yet can't come up with words. Hell, I have NO IDEA WHAT THIS LINE EVEN MEANS: a person will tell me in a VERY vulnerable state, I have a hard time trusting people.. to which I LITERALLY respond: Psh, it's fine Im Jewish. AND THEN THEY OPEN UP!!! WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! And that is the role I take, a big brother to both guys and girls.
Truth is I don't know any other way to be around a friend than a big brother. I treat them a little brothers/sisters than friends. I don't know how to have normal friendships. People open up to me, always. My good friend Matt, he had an eating disorder. I came to see him for spring break and while I was there I went with him to the orientation of a treatment program AND to his therapist to better communicate matt's needs. Most people I can only assume wouldn't do that. But to me that is the CORE of what a true friend does. Yeah it's fun to joke and laugh but when shit is in deep water friends are supposed to help you every step to recovery. Most people don't do that apparently. Maybe it's because Ive been through so much hell myself that I can get so close with others without being phased by their shit.
So here I am, beyond the bar scene, beyond the random hook-ups, drinking, and drugs. What I want in life and from people is REAL honest caring relationships. I want to travel, I want to see the world, and to find so many opportunities and outlets in life that the only limit would be myself. I've matured past the college age range. Everyone says Im years beyond my actual age. The sad part about that is, there is no one I can find in that same ahead-of-the-game age range/maturity. People my age don't care about feelings, or person-hood, dreams, goals, or the future-they just care about getting high and having sex. Truth is(ironically) I see sex as making love, two people's energy imploding and exploding into each other like two flames dancing. The irony is I have yet to have that experience. I pride myself in viewing the world on the level I do, yet I can't seem to find a soul who is with me on the same page. If I do tell the people I view as little brothers/sisters they laugh and say that's true honest love, but they can never see it the way I do. I wonder what age range I'd find this level of human connection is the main focus. It is clearly not drunk college kids. I wish I could find people with the same mindset Im in, but with talking to other people about it, my maturity level is around the age 27 range. So it might take awhile. Most people don't want what I will wholly give just because they are a person, not someone to use or fuck, but just because they are a person who deserves to be treated. Theyd much rather get high/drunk have random sex and drudge through college.
And that is another point in my life Im in. I have changed my major to something fun-cinema studies. It sounds like an amazing completely new and exciting curriculum. I'm excited for school, I love school, and I am so eager to start again come the 7th. I would much rather be swamped in school work than to deal with the maturity level of this town. Priorities are different for me, where I am in life is light-years beyond this college scene of kids. Hopefully I'll find others like-minded.
At this point Im honestly just fed up with this age scene, and I hope I can find some people who have matured out of it like I have.
Oh and it's my birthday today as I just noticed the time haha. 22 whoop-whoop! Haha
~Panda