REPOST because blog editor sent a stupid jumble that i cant delete
Hey SG land!
Hope everyone survived the end of the world, I hear it was intense =p
I've been wondering for awhile what makes people say I'm so different from normal people. I know that my bipolar makes me constant hypo-manic as my base line, but I am only told very vague and general words as to how I'm different: high energy, loud, unique, different, audacious; but that's about it. I always say I'd be so boring without bipolar and that I pride myself on being on a natural constant high when I'm 100% sober and more than most people on drugs can be. But people say it's a turn off like I can control it; I really can't. I'm just me, which apparently is 1000% more than most people are. People who are bipolar aren't even like me. I meet bipolar people and they are no where near the level I am. Maybe it's maturity, maybe it's all the hell I've been through that makes me look on such a bright side. All I know is people say Im different. And I always ask people to describe me with real words instead of the ones I listed above. But they can't, and I ask why. It really fucking irritates me on how they can describe anyone else on the fucking planet, but are unable to come up with words and just say high energy unique and different like that counts for something. I do have an extreme sense of being hyper-aware and able to read people really well. It sucks most of the world isn't like that, and they'd rather deal with a superficial life with meaningless crap just to seem normal. I don't get it, it seems so fake and boring.
Another thing I am always wondering is why people open up to me in a backwards way. I meet someone for less than an hour and they say deep intimate things. They say, and I quote, I've never told this to anyone before, or i don't tell this to a lot of people, but, or I've only told this to my family. Like this one girl I met, I went up to her and prefixed withHey Im not going to hit on you, or flirt with you, you just seem like a good girl to have a conversation with. And literally 5 minutes later she talked about she went on a date with this kid who in the first conversation opened up to her about his ex-girlfriend having an abortion. And I prompted no such conversion topic. I asked her why she said that, what did you feel that made it so open, and she said I was non-judgmental, but that was about it. AND after the fact they say things, it's an immediate taboo like I broke down all there defensive mental and emotional barriers in an extremely short amount of time. And it freaks them out and they say things like, that isn't me, Im not like that. but I honestly question as to why they freak out when they enjoyed the experience and felt some emotional closure from it. I guess in this setting and this age, people would just have one night stands than talk about themselves.
Like this one girl Melanie, I met her one night and took her home, we got pretty much with our shirts off, and I couldn't go any further. It's just not me, I value women as people to get to know instead of just a sex object to fuck for a night. We ended up spending 14 hours together, on which at the end she said the lines I said above. She truly enjoyed it and literally said this isn't real, you're not real, I didn't think this would ever happen. And once again I asked her to describe me. She refused adamantly. We ended up breaking up our friendship, and she finally gave me closure in describing me and the night we shared. But like I said, most people don't go for that. It honestly makes me question what other people's relationships are like, when I'm always the only giving emotional support and closure to people's lives.
I have a very skewed view of relationships when it comes to women. For some reason, instantaneously they open up to me about the most deep intimate and bodily things. They talk about all their unresolved emotional issues, their sex lives, periods, hormones, really any possibly aspect of a female life they share it with me. They say it's because I'm not judgmental, but I still highly doubt they'd say this to even their girlfriends. The joke is that Im gay-zoned. We also talk very sexual to each-other when we are both so comfortable with our friendship that we in no way would ever sleep with each other. Still highly doubt women behave this type of relationship with other men. I don't understand how I get into these friendships, and it pretty much declares friend/gay-zoned. And that another topic Ive been thinking over the past few weeks. Just to immediately friend-zone the girl. I tend to have much better relationships with women than men. I love that we are so comfortable within a few days of knowing each-other, and Id much rather have female friends than a girlfriend at this point, and overall.
I just don't mesh with guys that well, I feel like they are cowards and don't put themselves 100% into their goals, social life, or anything. For me, if Im at a bar and these guys are just eye-fucking a chick waiting for the right moment to talk to her I will say GAME THE FUCK UP and they back down so I go talk to her instead. And once again she knows Im not trying to fuck her by the end of the night, even if I dont say it. Guess it's something I put out in an unconscious way. Works for me, honestly. But to see men just view women as a piece of ass truly sickens me, Im a gentleman and a friend first, a lover second. Girls can pick up on that right away I guess.
But Im also kind of a loner, truthfully. I don't have many friends, even if I do they are really just acquaintances. I'd much rather go out and just meet people and have fun with them for a night than try to develop a friendship the next day. So that's why Im just going to do activities without expectations of making friends, it's easier on me that way. I don't get my hopes up, or to grab every person in the room just to say I have friends. I'm excited for clubs, if only for something to do. I find if Im always busy, then the need for socializing will come as a treat, not a priority. And I hope my school work keeps me busy, because now Ive seen university is a BIG difference than community college. So Im really going to be deep into school, maybe working a part-time job and Ill feel accomplished from that. We'll see what the new year brings me, if anything I have a new perspective on a lot, if not all, aspects of myself and life in general.
I like putting my thoughts on here, even if only a few people read them, it's honestly good enough for me. Truth is I only have 4 real friends on here, all female and it is always a pleasure chatting with them, they feel like sisters to me. So thank you to the people who know who they are by reading this, and I hope we can build on our friendship.
~Panda
Hey SG land!
Hope everyone survived the end of the world, I hear it was intense =p
I've been wondering for awhile what makes people say I'm so different from normal people. I know that my bipolar makes me constant hypo-manic as my base line, but I am only told very vague and general words as to how I'm different: high energy, loud, unique, different, audacious; but that's about it. I always say I'd be so boring without bipolar and that I pride myself on being on a natural constant high when I'm 100% sober and more than most people on drugs can be. But people say it's a turn off like I can control it; I really can't. I'm just me, which apparently is 1000% more than most people are. People who are bipolar aren't even like me. I meet bipolar people and they are no where near the level I am. Maybe it's maturity, maybe it's all the hell I've been through that makes me look on such a bright side. All I know is people say Im different. And I always ask people to describe me with real words instead of the ones I listed above. But they can't, and I ask why. It really fucking irritates me on how they can describe anyone else on the fucking planet, but are unable to come up with words and just say high energy unique and different like that counts for something. I do have an extreme sense of being hyper-aware and able to read people really well. It sucks most of the world isn't like that, and they'd rather deal with a superficial life with meaningless crap just to seem normal. I don't get it, it seems so fake and boring.
Another thing I am always wondering is why people open up to me in a backwards way. I meet someone for less than an hour and they say deep intimate things. They say, and I quote, I've never told this to anyone before, or i don't tell this to a lot of people, but, or I've only told this to my family. Like this one girl I met, I went up to her and prefixed withHey Im not going to hit on you, or flirt with you, you just seem like a good girl to have a conversation with. And literally 5 minutes later she talked about she went on a date with this kid who in the first conversation opened up to her about his ex-girlfriend having an abortion. And I prompted no such conversion topic. I asked her why she said that, what did you feel that made it so open, and she said I was non-judgmental, but that was about it. AND after the fact they say things, it's an immediate taboo like I broke down all there defensive mental and emotional barriers in an extremely short amount of time. And it freaks them out and they say things like, that isn't me, Im not like that. but I honestly question as to why they freak out when they enjoyed the experience and felt some emotional closure from it. I guess in this setting and this age, people would just have one night stands than talk about themselves.
Like this one girl Melanie, I met her one night and took her home, we got pretty much with our shirts off, and I couldn't go any further. It's just not me, I value women as people to get to know instead of just a sex object to fuck for a night. We ended up spending 14 hours together, on which at the end she said the lines I said above. She truly enjoyed it and literally said this isn't real, you're not real, I didn't think this would ever happen. And once again I asked her to describe me. She refused adamantly. We ended up breaking up our friendship, and she finally gave me closure in describing me and the night we shared. But like I said, most people don't go for that. It honestly makes me question what other people's relationships are like, when I'm always the only giving emotional support and closure to people's lives.
I have a very skewed view of relationships when it comes to women. For some reason, instantaneously they open up to me about the most deep intimate and bodily things. They talk about all their unresolved emotional issues, their sex lives, periods, hormones, really any possibly aspect of a female life they share it with me. They say it's because I'm not judgmental, but I still highly doubt they'd say this to even their girlfriends. The joke is that Im gay-zoned. We also talk very sexual to each-other when we are both so comfortable with our friendship that we in no way would ever sleep with each other. Still highly doubt women behave this type of relationship with other men. I don't understand how I get into these friendships, and it pretty much declares friend/gay-zoned. And that another topic Ive been thinking over the past few weeks. Just to immediately friend-zone the girl. I tend to have much better relationships with women than men. I love that we are so comfortable within a few days of knowing each-other, and Id much rather have female friends than a girlfriend at this point, and overall.
I just don't mesh with guys that well, I feel like they are cowards and don't put themselves 100% into their goals, social life, or anything. For me, if Im at a bar and these guys are just eye-fucking a chick waiting for the right moment to talk to her I will say GAME THE FUCK UP and they back down so I go talk to her instead. And once again she knows Im not trying to fuck her by the end of the night, even if I dont say it. Guess it's something I put out in an unconscious way. Works for me, honestly. But to see men just view women as a piece of ass truly sickens me, Im a gentleman and a friend first, a lover second. Girls can pick up on that right away I guess.
But Im also kind of a loner, truthfully. I don't have many friends, even if I do they are really just acquaintances. I'd much rather go out and just meet people and have fun with them for a night than try to develop a friendship the next day. So that's why Im just going to do activities without expectations of making friends, it's easier on me that way. I don't get my hopes up, or to grab every person in the room just to say I have friends. I'm excited for clubs, if only for something to do. I find if Im always busy, then the need for socializing will come as a treat, not a priority. And I hope my school work keeps me busy, because now Ive seen university is a BIG difference than community college. So Im really going to be deep into school, maybe working a part-time job and Ill feel accomplished from that. We'll see what the new year brings me, if anything I have a new perspective on a lot, if not all, aspects of myself and life in general.
I like putting my thoughts on here, even if only a few people read them, it's honestly good enough for me. Truth is I only have 4 real friends on here, all female and it is always a pleasure chatting with them, they feel like sisters to me. So thank you to the people who know who they are by reading this, and I hope we can build on our friendship.
~Panda