okay.
life is kinda bumming me out.
i used to have kind of a bunch of friends. i lived in a community house with a lot of people, and new people were constantly coming through and other friends were always staying over. it was through these experiences that i developed some very close relationships, with several people that i cared about very much.
then i met a girl. under difficult circumstamces, which ultimately forced me to make a big decision bout what was happening in my life. all of my options had considerable drawbacks. i quit my band, moved with the girl back to my parent's house, and subsequently severed myself from a seeminlgy neverending pipeline of good people and good times. it was by far the most drastic thing i've ever done, and nearly everything that my life is now, is directly connected to the moment i made that decision. i was 19.
still, that was without a doubt the best summer of my life, and i will never, ever regret making that decision. naturally, however, other parts of my life suffered... most notably the relationships i had developed beforehand. i became much more focused and driven with the excitement of a new career and a wonderful woman who was always there for me... and admittedly, i made mistake of never alotting the time for anything else. time passed. while i insisted that the relationships that i had left would always be there, it was plainy visible that they weren't. i would only see these people on occasion, and such meetings more often than not consisted of a hug, some weak conversation, and a mutually earnest, yet fruitless promise of near-future hangouts. some of them moved away, and my life changed very little. i attributed the dismal state of my relationships to "growing up" and my near-obsessive immersion in a line of work that demanded much of my time and energy.
some time passed before it started to affect my good relationships. even more passed before i actually noticed it. by now i'm 22, and my life consists of little more than working, sleeping, eating, and arguing about completely inconsequential things with the girl i had changed everything for. i became a grumpy old man, without even realizing it... and my efforts to change ultimately proved futile, as my previously affluent social skills had atrophied, along with my relationships with nearly everyone around me. after a few months of poorly reasoned desperation attempts to revive a dying relationship, i get kinda-sorta dumped. it didn't come as a surprise, but it was the worst feeling i've ever felt. since she was the only thing keeping me where i was, i basically flip out and decide to move to oregon, where many of those old friends lived, making a commitment to move in with my brother in a few months.
i didn't really buy it when people said they'd miss me. it felt cheap and fake. it felt like if they actually wanted me around, they should have done something about it when they saw that i was clearly falling apart right in front of them. so not only was i an asshole from my perceived lack of friends, i was an extra asshole because i was hurting, badly. but somehow, after some time i manage to pull my shit together and was even able to gain a little self-esteem... though i still felt ruined. i try and reconnect, with myself and old friends. i force myself into social situations and other circumstances to take my mind off of the pain. some of it works a little. mostly i just get stressed because i can't relate to anyone like i did with her.
a few weeks before i leave, strange things start happening. if i wasn't about to move 3000 miles away in 3 weeks, you'd call it "reconciliation" or getting back together. we talk. a lot. about everything, now that weve had time to digest it all. but no resolutions were made, other than for both of us to try our respective summer plans, and see what happens without the other person around... after all, we had seen each other every day for 3 years. it seemed like we owed it to ourselves to at least try something different.
so i left. that may have been the second worst feeling ive ever felt. talk about heartache.
that brings things up to about right now. and i dont know how this turned into my life story, because it was supposed to be about how i used to have all these friends, and now that im here where all those friends are, i cant even get most of them to hang out with me. and it's bumming me out. theres one or two who i can still spend time with like nothing ever happened, like i might not have disappeared for two years. but all the others may as well live in malaysia, because i still havent seen them after a month.... and ive been trying. i guess thats karma for you. thats the same shit i did to everyone years ago. although now, even though i know how shitty it feels to be on the other side of it... look at what ive ended up talking about through this whole stupid thing. her. yeah, definitely no regrets there. i guess figuring out whats important isnt really that hard.
life is kinda bumming me out.
i used to have kind of a bunch of friends. i lived in a community house with a lot of people, and new people were constantly coming through and other friends were always staying over. it was through these experiences that i developed some very close relationships, with several people that i cared about very much.
then i met a girl. under difficult circumstamces, which ultimately forced me to make a big decision bout what was happening in my life. all of my options had considerable drawbacks. i quit my band, moved with the girl back to my parent's house, and subsequently severed myself from a seeminlgy neverending pipeline of good people and good times. it was by far the most drastic thing i've ever done, and nearly everything that my life is now, is directly connected to the moment i made that decision. i was 19.
still, that was without a doubt the best summer of my life, and i will never, ever regret making that decision. naturally, however, other parts of my life suffered... most notably the relationships i had developed beforehand. i became much more focused and driven with the excitement of a new career and a wonderful woman who was always there for me... and admittedly, i made mistake of never alotting the time for anything else. time passed. while i insisted that the relationships that i had left would always be there, it was plainy visible that they weren't. i would only see these people on occasion, and such meetings more often than not consisted of a hug, some weak conversation, and a mutually earnest, yet fruitless promise of near-future hangouts. some of them moved away, and my life changed very little. i attributed the dismal state of my relationships to "growing up" and my near-obsessive immersion in a line of work that demanded much of my time and energy.
some time passed before it started to affect my good relationships. even more passed before i actually noticed it. by now i'm 22, and my life consists of little more than working, sleeping, eating, and arguing about completely inconsequential things with the girl i had changed everything for. i became a grumpy old man, without even realizing it... and my efforts to change ultimately proved futile, as my previously affluent social skills had atrophied, along with my relationships with nearly everyone around me. after a few months of poorly reasoned desperation attempts to revive a dying relationship, i get kinda-sorta dumped. it didn't come as a surprise, but it was the worst feeling i've ever felt. since she was the only thing keeping me where i was, i basically flip out and decide to move to oregon, where many of those old friends lived, making a commitment to move in with my brother in a few months.
i didn't really buy it when people said they'd miss me. it felt cheap and fake. it felt like if they actually wanted me around, they should have done something about it when they saw that i was clearly falling apart right in front of them. so not only was i an asshole from my perceived lack of friends, i was an extra asshole because i was hurting, badly. but somehow, after some time i manage to pull my shit together and was even able to gain a little self-esteem... though i still felt ruined. i try and reconnect, with myself and old friends. i force myself into social situations and other circumstances to take my mind off of the pain. some of it works a little. mostly i just get stressed because i can't relate to anyone like i did with her.
a few weeks before i leave, strange things start happening. if i wasn't about to move 3000 miles away in 3 weeks, you'd call it "reconciliation" or getting back together. we talk. a lot. about everything, now that weve had time to digest it all. but no resolutions were made, other than for both of us to try our respective summer plans, and see what happens without the other person around... after all, we had seen each other every day for 3 years. it seemed like we owed it to ourselves to at least try something different.
so i left. that may have been the second worst feeling ive ever felt. talk about heartache.
that brings things up to about right now. and i dont know how this turned into my life story, because it was supposed to be about how i used to have all these friends, and now that im here where all those friends are, i cant even get most of them to hang out with me. and it's bumming me out. theres one or two who i can still spend time with like nothing ever happened, like i might not have disappeared for two years. but all the others may as well live in malaysia, because i still havent seen them after a month.... and ive been trying. i guess thats karma for you. thats the same shit i did to everyone years ago. although now, even though i know how shitty it feels to be on the other side of it... look at what ive ended up talking about through this whole stupid thing. her. yeah, definitely no regrets there. i guess figuring out whats important isnt really that hard.
being alone means not being afraid of the solitary pain you inflict on yourself, rather than adiictively craving the pain you would otherwise inflict on each other.........
you're still dope at a bunch of stuff. with or without old friends...........its not a pep talk, its the truth..........
hell, i did it. at 19, 22, 25, and 27. fuck'em.
and behind every good man IS a good woman. and behind her are twenty or thirty more good women. there are 6 billion people in the world. fuck a bunch of wasting time for just one of them..........
girls are bad. do-overs with girls are just stupid.
wordles.
things like this are hard. but in the end it will work out. i promise,
..i wish i had soemthing better to say.